Category Archives: Christianity

Training Hard for the Fight: A Pastor’s Guide

In recent years, I have found the habits of elite athletes and soldiers interesting. Guys who not only do physical things well, but at a level above everyone else in the world. I am not an athlete, but am starting to appreciate the habits and mindset of folks who are top-tier in their fields. One of the interesting things I have noticed about such people is that they maintain physical discipline even when they are not doing their jobs. A former Navy Seal I follow online talks about getting up early every day to train. This is a man who is no longer fighting wars on the battlefield, but sees his own training and discipline as non-negotiable. Football legend Herschel Walker continued to train hard whether he was playing ball, between seasons, or retired. Training isn’t seen as a component of his career. Rather, it is a way of life. Pushing yourself daily to exceed yesterday’s best is never questioned. These are folks who are elite athletes and warriors by nature, not just by vocation. I am never going to be an athlete or a warrior. I am a pastor. I live a different calling. I exercise hard every day because I want to be better. This new practice and reading about the habits of these men has helped me to realize something powerful. I study and meditate on scripture verses 8 to 9 hours a week so I can teach them on Sundays. I truly love this aspect of my work. However, I struggle with spending time daily reading and studying the same book for my own edification. I also struggle with the daily discipline of prayer. This morning, I realized something convicting. While the elite athletes and soldiers I’ve been reading about do their required trainings as a part of their work, they also do it as a part of their lives. These men get up, train, then go to work and train more. They do it because it is who they are, not because it is their job. I study because it is my job, but if I want to be a man of God, I must study and pray because it is in my nature to do so. I will never be at the elite level of pastorate. I don’t really know that such a thing exists and if it did, I definitely wouldn’t want anyone to refer to me as something like that. However, I love the folks under my pastoral care. I love my family. I love to teach and preach. I love the folks in my community. I love the folks who read my writings and listen to my preaching online. Most of all, I love the God I serve. If all of this is true, and not just something I say, it really ought to be in my nature to hunger for better. I should treat my spiritual state as though my personal spiritual growth will glorify God and minister to those around me. The higher the quality of my spiritual life, the better I will minister to the people I come into contact with. Prayer and personal study are not optional to a person who loves the folks they minister to. It is training. It is conditioning. It creates in us a state of readiness for the moment when we need to love someone we are angry at or forgive the sins of our neighbor. Pastors and brothers in Christ: we must train daily in study and prayer so we can be ready for the moment God calls us to serve. Prayer must be like running. We should do it so much it is natural to us to pray without ceasing. Study should be like lifting weights. It should create strength in us to handle anything we encounter. Paul put it best when he wrote to Timothy: “Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is valuable in every way, because it promises life both for the present and for the future.” Brothers, we must train to be better because it is in our nature.

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Tin Men: A Perspective On Work and Love

I originally wrote this  for the Big Sandy Mountaineer in the Patching Cracks column. I have updated it for this setting.

Screen Shot 2019-07-19 at 8.33.32 AMI recently read the Wizard of Oz and was surprised at some of the differences between the film and the novel. The most interesting difference related to the story of the Tin Man, who started out as just an ordinary woodsman. The woodsman was cutting wood to earn money to buy a home for his fiancé, who he loved dearly. While he was working one day, he accidentally cut off his own leg, which he has replaced with a mechanical one. The same kind of accident claims his other leg and his arms, all of which he replaces with mechanical limbs. He discovers that he is able to work much better as a result of replacing his body parts with machine parts. Eventually, he loses his head and splits himself in half and becomes a fully mechanical man. Now he can work all day and all night without ever resting. The problem is that his heart is gone and he no longer cares about the woman he loves. All he cares about is working. Everything else is forgotten entirely.

This story is interesting because, despite being a children’s tale, it illustrates a sad phenomena that takes place all the time in our world. I have met many men who meet a woman, fall in love, get married, then work very hard to provide her with the best life he can give her. Those are great things. The tricky part is when the man becomes so engrossed in his work that he stops pursuing his wife. It’s easy to do because men are geared to work hard. It’s part of what gives life purpose. In fact, one of the first things God did when he created Adam was give him a job to do: naming animals and working in the garden. Work holds an important place in the male identity. The problem comes when he stops loving everything else. Work becomes his mistress and he leeches time from his wife and family in order to work more. Eventually he winds up struggling with restoring peace to his relationship when conflict inevitably arises as a result of the attention paid to work and not paid to his home life. This is a natural result of misaligned priorities.

In the story, the Tin Man believes he has no feelings, but in reality he does. He becomes emotional at different times, but avoids it because crying makes him rust. This is typically the case for men who fall in love with work. Feelings are hard to deal with and it’s easier to avoid them than to deal with them. When home life becomes difficult, he works harder and hides out at the office because the world there is easier and safer. I’ve known plenty of guys who are afraid of the emotional complexity of repairing their home situation and simply sit at their desks to solve the problem. They get the reward of achievement, financial benefits, and can point to their long hours “to provide for the family” when criticized for neglecting their wives. I’m not saying that working hard is wrong. However, I am arguing that marriage comes with its own set of responsibilities that do not evaporate at 9 AM on Monday. 

In reality, most men still love their wives and become easily frustrated when things don’t go smoothly at home. They want things to work right but can’t quite figure it out. Or, they work hard to provide for their families and don’t realize that they are forgetting the other things they are responsible for. Either way, work is a necessity and it’s easy to justify making it the number one priority in life. However, that is not the way God designed us to be. 

The solution to this issue in our lives is to acknowledge the importance of our family relationships and focus on them. Work is important, but it is not all-important. The cool thing about the book is that the wizard doesn’t actually do anything for the Tin Man. He just convinces him that he still loves his fiancé so that he will act like it again. The same is true of most men. They can fix their problems by simply acting like they love their wives: showing them attention, doing nice things for them, having conversations again, going on dates, and all the other stuff they did when they were dating. This is really just a matter of making our outward actions reflect our inward reality. It’s really not that hard to do. Most men did it well when they were younger. They just have to decide to do it again. I would suggest that this is encapsulated well in Paul’s direction to “love your wife like Christ loves the church.” Love her. Meet her needs. Put your own self second. Have a heart for loving and serving.

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Faking Manliness: A Response to a Common Trope in Christian Manliness Literature

 

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This morning I overslept. I wasn’t late for an obligation or anything, rather I didn’t get up as early as I wanted to in order to achieve my morning goals. I went to the gym and felt tired. I don’t know whether it was because I was unmotivated, dehydrated, or something else. I finished my workout, but I didn’t go as hard as I wanted to. I got less done for work in the morning than I wanted, though I did get some things done. I just sorta fell short of my goal. While taking my son to swim lessons, I read an essay on pushing yourself to create the type of person you want to be and I felt convicted. Still, my physical state was dragging. My spirit was willing, but my flesh was weak. This often seems like the case when I set lofty goals: I eventually lack the time, energy, or will to achieve them. I am not great at being perfect.

My morning devotions dealt with Paul being the chief of sinners. It struck me that Paul worked harder than anyone else around him to achieve righteousness under his own steam. Yet he still failed. He later said that all his efforts were a pile of trash next to knowing Christ. In Romans 7 he acknowledged his daily struggles to overcome sin. Still he pushed hard and confessed that it was only Christ in him that made him good and righteous.

Now my morning focus turned to the manhood movement within evangelicalism and the larger point of my essay. Scrolling twitter, I came across a post from a pastor trying to shame guys into overcoming any softness in their lives. It was obvious he wants men to reach a lofty state of manliness that he has decided is the target of all believers. It was condescending, self-righteous, and unbiblical. He tried to coat it with a religious veneer, but it was a thin veil. He basically told men: Do not be soft, dependent on others, or effeminate in any way. To do so is to fail as a Christian man. It had the feel of a Christianized 300 speech. Part of what troubled me is that the type of manliness the pastor was describing is not unheard of in Christian circles. Lots of male focused Christian literature and influencers push this narrative that men should rule their homes with an iron fist, never feel emotions, shed weakness, and fight the world. The problem is that for anyone to try to live that way is purely playacting. 6846443501_7627be2b7c_b.jpgThere is no authenticity to it. If manliness is all about eschewing “softness” or any kind of personal weakness, it is a form of farce. It eliminates wide swaths of men from the contention of manliness and rewards virtues that don’t really make a man.King David wouldn’t even qualify, because although he was a fierce warrior he was also a poet. He danced before the Ark. He wept. He had close friends who he loved. He wore his dependance on God as a badge of honor. He was a man of steel and velvet. He was also sinful. 

If my manliness is derived from my ability to get up early, bring it at the gym harder than anyone else, achieve more at work, or whatever, I will always be reaching for a ring that is unattainable. My flesh and the reality of my physical limitations are always going to get in the way. I am a cracked clay pot. I can push forever, but never be “good enough” because good enough is a shifting goal post. There’s always something more. My righteousness, toughness, and discipline will always be insufficient. Or worse, they will become a point of pride that will serve as a stumbling block to myself or those around me. Paul realized that. He worked to be like Jesus, acknowledged his struggles to hit the mark, and owned his shortfalls. I think that is what I want to be. I want to be a man, doing his best to be like Jesus. I want to love my wife like Christ loved the church. Teach my son to be like Jesus. Preach the Gospel and faithful explain the scriptures to the best of my ability. Still, I am going to be unfocused and soft sometimes. I’m going to act like a selfish child when my flesh overcomes me. If I fall short but I am a tool in the hands of my master I will consider it a win. If I’m not manly enough or disciplined enough or holy enough, then the good things I do are despite my weakness and point to the fact that Christ can still work through a broken tool. When I tried to be the best and to never deal with my weaknesses, it drove me to drink and wreck everyone around me. I will try hard and Christ will do the rest. If I am weak, he is strong. If I am boasting in anything, it won’t be my manliness or toughness or anything else. It’ll be in Christ alone.

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Faking Spirituality

I wrote this piece for my weekly column. It was originally published in the Big Sandy Mountaineer in June of 2015.

One of the worst sins I’ve ever committed was actually committed over several years. During my early years working in ministry, I pretended to be perfect. When I left for work every day, I put on my “perfect Christian” mask. I hid any struggle with sin, temptation, and anger. I made excuses and ignored my own shortcomings. Eventually, I stopped talking openly with anyone about anything that might look un-Christian in my life. When I taught, the only sins I ever acknowledged were innocuous, like driving too fast, which is an imperfection of mine that’s well known to any reader of this paper’s traffic ticket listings. I believed that perfection was expected of minsters, and because I wasn’t perfect, I faked it. It may seem excessive to identify this as a terrible sin, but it is because it is a denial of the central message of Christianity: that all people sin and need forgiveness. Pretending to be perfect is self-deceiving and denies our need for God. Beyond distancing us from God, it also drives others away from Him, either because they see our hypocrisy or they see being “good enough” as unattainable.

The saddest misconception about Christianity that drives folks away from knowing God exists primarily amongst Christians: the myth of perfection. Whereas the previous columns in this series have largely addressed those who walk away from God in frustration/hurt, this week will primarily address folks in the church who believe this falsehood.

Believing we are, or ought to be, perfect is spiritual poison. When we look at the life of Jesus, there is no-one that he strikes out against more vehemently than religious folks, specifically the Pharisees, who couldn’t see or confess their own failings. Most were so convinced of their own perfection that they couldn’t ask for forgiveness because they didn’t believe they needed it. They lived for the praise of others, thrived on comparing themselves to “sinners”, and constantly bragged of their righteousness. This puffing up results in blindness to the seriousness of our own sins.

False perfection is also poisonous to relationships. Maintaining the illusion of perfection keeps us from confessing or seeking help. While living this way, I often wished I could talk about my struggles, but wouldn’t do so because I did’t want anyone to know how imperfect I am. Hiding secrets isolates us. Conversely, openness and accountability knits us together in community, because calling on each other in times of need teaches trust and interdependence.

The most profound lesson I learned from being open happened when I talked openly about struggling with sin while teaching one day. A young man approached me afterward, tearfully opening up about his own struggles. He thanked me for being honest, because he too had been hiding everything for fear of being condemned by others. Being vulnerable provides a safe environment for others to be vulnerable. The most common response I hear to openness about my own imperfection is appreciation for being real and human.

Living life- honestly acknowledging our imperfection- is risky. It’s possible that others will judge or ostracize you for being a sinner. I discussed with a friend how tempting it is to want other Christians to be human, but not too human. It’s easy to succumb to the temptation to believe that God should forgive our brand of sin, but not the sin of others. This is the power of acknowledging our imperfection/dependance on God’s forgiveness. It emphasizes God’s mercy, rather than our self-righteousness. This makes judging others harder to justify. Awareness of our dependance helps us empathize with others in the same predicament.

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7 Rules for Being a Gentleman and Christ’s Ambassador Online

The internet has provided us an amazing resource for engaging with our fellow man, discussing/debating ideas, and heaping foul abuse and nastiness on each other. Engaging in flame wars on the internet and mocking the viewpoint of the other person will do little to change the other person’s perspective. I am shocked at how often my brothers and sisters in Christ devolve to rants and abuse rather thank thoughtful discussion and debate. It is a sad reality that most men don’t bother to be gentlemanly or Christlike while engaging in internet discussion. Unfortunately, even pleasant arguing isn’t typically effective. It takes much more to effectively engage another person and properly represent Jesus in the process. I think the beginning of the problem is that most folks don’t reflect on what is needed to effectively represent Christ in the digital setting. Here are my 7 commandments for acting like a gentleman and an ambassador for Jesus.

  • Engage the other person’s ideas. One of the worst things about internet debate is the tendency to avoid actually engaging in substantive discussion. Most folks jump over intelligently engaging and go right to taking cheap shots at the other guy. I am a big fan of asking questions. Inquiry can be the most powerful tool in debate, largely because most people don’t bother to thoroughly consider their worldview, so challenging questions can encourage them to assess their position more thoroughly. Simply encouraging folks to explain themselves can effectively create an opening for real debate. Plus, encouraging cols to explain themselves can be very disarming. Most folks are geared to fight. Refusing to play along with that plan can be powerful. I strongly suggest checking out Paul’s experience on Mars Hill. He didn’t blast the philosophers. He found common ground and engaged. 
  • Refrain from Ad Hominem. The king of internet discussion tactics is calling names or attacking the individual who is presenting the opposing perspective (ad hominem). It’s easier than dismantling an argument and can be satisfying for folks who are mainly looking to unleash some of their rage on an anonymous stranger. In addition to being a terrible way to win a debate, it is also pretty contrary to what Christians are supposed to act like. We are not enemies with non-believers. In fact, we share the gospel in an effort to help folks, not to win against them. We are called to glorify God, not us.
  • Don’t assume that the other guy is stupid just because you disagree. Some of the most astonishingly brilliant men in history have been wrong about all sorts of things. Being incorrect is a factual problem, not a matter of intelligence. This is especially important because when we consider someone to be intellectually inferior we tend to become condescending or approach them with contempt. These attitudes are out of line when dealing with folks as representatives of Jesus. 
  • Be respectful, polite, and grace-filled. Most folks are looking for excuses to look down on you, talk down to you, stereotype you, or just plain be nasty. Don’t allow folks an excuse to pigeonhole your position. It’s far better to present a version of yourself that will defy their perspective. In addition, your politeness (particularly when the other person is being nasty with you) will make any observers of the argument more likely to be sympathetic to your viewpoint. It is of particular importance that you are aware of the limitations of the medium. The folks who are interacting with you have no way to know if you are being jovial, angry, condescending, sarcastic, etc. They will generally read inflection and tone into your words (and not charitably). This makes it necessary to be a bit exaggerated in your politeness, particularly when the other person attacks you. Jesus directed us to do good for those who attack us and the book of Proverbs informs us that soft words break hard bones.
  • Know how to present your case. Engaging properly will mean nothing if you don’t know how to effectively argue your point of view. This means being well read and putting a little thought as to how to effectively argue. There is all sorts of great material out there to learn how to defend the faith. Arguments range from defenses built on philosophical, moral, scientific, and all sorts of other grounds. However, you have to actually learn to do it. I highly recommend the Poached Egg Apologist as a resource for learning more about apologetics. 
  • Be honest. It’s easy to make stuff up, particularly when folks are not in any way capable of checking up on your words. Be honest and maintain integrity. Don’t become a monster in response to the attacks of a monster.  
  • Don’t take it personally. Any stranger who is attacking you because of your faith isn’t attacking you. They are attacking Jesus. Take joy in the opportunity to stand with Christ, don’t get angry, and remember that Jesus prayed for the folks who crucified Him. I think the best advice I could offer on this matter was spoken by Peter, as he watched his wife being crucified by Roman soldiers, the day before he himself was crucified. He told her to remember how the Lord loved those who crucified Him. Love defined Jesus, and Peter, and it should define us. No one is crucifying you. Love folks, even if they are unlovable at the moment.
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7 Things Christians Need to Understand About Mental Illness


For 8 years, I worked in a residential treatment facility for kids with emotional disorders. I started the job after working as a Youth Pastor for several years. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started the job, but over the years, I learned a great deal about mental illness and its treatment. After just a few months I was a better youth minister and I understood more about working with people than I did in the previous 5 years of church work. The experience also prompted me to earn a masters degree in Pastoral Counseling while I was earning my MDIV and certifications for addictions treatment. I’m now finishing my fourth year as a small church pastor. Im not an expert by any stretch, but the mixture of my experiences and my educational background has taught me a great deal about how the church ought to respond to mental illness in our communities. The biggest challenges related to these efforts are a product of folks not understanding the nature of the problem and misunderstanding the need.

  • Mental illness is actually illness. It’s common for Christians to assume that folks who suffer from mental illnesses are faking it, that they just need to have more faith, or that they just need to toughen up. This just isn’t true. The reality is far more complicated. Mental illness is often the result of chemical imbalances, past trauma, conditioning, etc. The suffering folks experience is real. Orthodox Christians would never say that polio or arthritis are merely a matter of weak faith. The fact that mental illness takes place in the parts of a person that we cannot look at doesn’t make it less real or less an actual illness. 
  • It’s not a product of weak faith. We would never tell someone that their physical pain is a product of weak faith or not trusting God. However, there are Christians who would describe anxiety, depression, addiction, or PTSD with those same terms. God gives us the tools to treat physical ailments and we do not decry those who suffer or seek treatment as not trusting God. Struggles with emotional issues brought about by trauma or brain chemistry are just as uncontrollable and breed just as much misery. There is no weakness in seeking help.
  • People with mental illnesses suffer. No one would suffer from severe anxiety, clinical depression, addiction, or PTSD if they could just make it stop on their own. It is miserable. I have yet to meet anyone who suffers in these ways who wants it to keep going or thinks it’s no big deal. It is often utterly unbearable, driving them to suicide or self-medication. Their suffering is real and profound. 
  • Mental illness comes with significant stigma and shame. Many people hear “mental illness” and they get uncomfortable quickly. Our culture tends to look at sufferers with a degree of suspicion. This results in a great deal of shame and fear of judgement. They often don’t seek help or talk to family and friends about their struggles because they are afraid of how they will be perceived. 
  • Treating mental health problems involves actual medical procedures. It’s sometimes assumed that mental health treatment is just talking or that it’s coddling. However, therapeutic approaches, medications, and the other tools/techniques utilized by mental health practitioners are studied, tested, reviewed, and evaluated for effectiveness. Like any other medical procedures, mental health treatment is medicine. In addition, this means that, with help, sufferers can get better. They can overcome their issues. 
  • The church has a responsibility. One of the most reassuring aspects of Jesus’ life and ministry was his willingness to engage with folks who were sick, ashamed, and outcasts. For two millennia, the church has led the way in caring for the suffering of this world. Mental illness is a vast, under-addressed area for the church to serve. There are uncounted multitudes of our brothers, sisters, children, friends, and neighbors suffering in silence because they are ashamed or afraid. We have a responsibility to talk about these matters and work toward taking the stigma away from seeking help. Further, churches are uniquely positioned to provide care and comfort to folks who suffer. We need to invite folks in be prepared to help them when they arrive.
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Frog, Toad, Cookies, and Temptation

Originally published in the Patching Cracks column in the Big Sandy Mountaineer 4/24/14. I have done some some editing and made some additions here. 
Frog-and-Toad-illustratio-007.jpgOne of my favorite stories to read my daughter at bedtime is from The Adventures of Frog and Toad. In the story, Toad bakes a batch of cookies. He and Frog discover that they cannot stop eating the cookies because they are too delicious. They begin to devise ways to prevent themselves from eating the cookies by making it more difficult to give in to temptation. Frog called it: “Building up willpower.” They quickly discovered that if they wanted to eat the cookies badly enough they would find a way around obstacles. Eventually, Frog throws away all the cookies and proclaims: “we have lots and lots of willpower.” To which Toad responds: “You may keep it all, Frog, I am going home now to bake a cake.” It’s a funny story with an interesting point. The problem wasn’t the cookies, the problem was that they wanted the cookies more than they wanted to not eat them. The book of James touches on this idea when it addresses the things that are in our lives that cause temptation. It’s easy to blame God for giving us such temptations. However, temptation starts in us and are a product of our fallenness. In Romans Paul describes how the sin living in us seizes upon the law of God as a standard to rebel against. Sin drives us to do things we hate. He describes sin and the ensuing temptation as powerful and ruling over our bodies. As a result of this powerful force within us, even if the things we want are not in front of us, if we want them badly enough, we will go looking for them. Mind you, it is not the case that desire itself is bad. Desire is natural. Desire for food, pleasure, leisure, security, relationships, being right, or anything else are simply a part of how people are designed. Desire becomes destructive when it loses all checks and begins to cause damage. It can be seen in decisions made simply based on a desire with no concern for inevitable consequences and what is right or wrong. A common example is carelessly spoken words that are regretted the moment they are spoken. Other examples include extramarital affairs, the seemingly iron grip that pornography seems to have over the lives of many men, addictions, eating disorders, spending problems, etc. These typically involve normally healthy desires that become distorted and get out of control. James describes this as being dragged away by our own lusts. Ultimately, it’s important to recognize that the source of the problem is within us.

The solution for dealing with these sorts of issues begins with recognizing that if our problem is rooted internally, the solution will need to be external to some degree. The Bible describes the solution as allowing God to intervene and aid us in overcoming that which controls us. If we aren’t strong enough to defeat a problem on our own, we need someone who can aid us in doing so. Apart from a higher power intervening, we will find ourselves stuck. Paul explains this in Romans 7 & 8. New life in Jesus through God’s Spirit is the pathway to overcoming temptation. This is achieved through intimate relationship with the savior and discipleship. The Spirit supernaturally intercedes and enables us to overcome temptation. Sometimes this means confessing our sins and seeking accountability with our brothers in Christ. It begins by acknowledging to God that you are helpless to overcome your own sins and that you need Jesus to give us new life. Shortly thereafter we need to actually come under his Lordship by obeying his teachings, joining a body of believers, reading his word, and talking to him regularly.
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Pink On Family and National Morality

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I came across this quote from Arthur Pink today and thought it was worth sharing, particularly in light of the alarmist things I encounter in my social media feeds on a daily basis lately. It’s easy to find folks to blame for the problems in our nation. Folks post their outrage on social media, flock to politicians peddling easy answers, demand laws that will straighten up the world we live in, and pine for God to set things right. The problem with these solutions is that they are top-down fixes to a bottom-up problem. Decline and decay start in our own homes and churches. We must address our own messes before looking to those of others. In the 2 millennia since its birth, Christianity has changed the world, not through legislation and power, but through discipleship and devotion to the cause of Jesus. Fathers, follow Jesus and grow spiritually. Then, spend time with your families, loving and teaching them who Jesus is and how to follow Him. Devote yourself to your God, your marriage, your family, and your church (in that order). If you want this country to change, start with yourselves. Through prayer and discipleship, Jesus’ following grew to fill the world. It will only happen again through the same efforts.

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8 Ways to Show Your Wife that You Love Her


I love my wife more than I can say. Unfortunately, I often neglect to say or show it. I may just be in the remedial class of romantic husbands, but a few years ago, I realized that I didn’t do nearly a good enough job telling/showing my wife what she means to me. Saying “I love you” is a good start, but I have discovered that actions speak much louder than words when it comes to making her feel loved. In fact, I’d argue that love is best shown through actio, rather than words. Jesus demonstrates this principle through his service and sacrifice for those he loved. Certainly words are necessary, but actions are vital. My biggest problem in showing my wife how much I love her is conjuring up clever ideas for showing it. Knowing what to do is a real challenge.

  1. Talking– Remember when you were dating and you used to sit and talk for hours without any effort? When was the last time you did that? Talking is important to most women, far more so than it is for most men, who typically talk less. They just don’t need to talk in order to feel close to their wives. This is not the case for women. Most women identify conversation as a major emotional need. Unfortunately, what was easy while you were dating can quickly become an enormous challenge. After marriage, it’s important to intentionally spend time talking to her. Ask her about her day, her feelings, and what she thinks about various matters. Paying attention to her, listening to her, and opening up to her means a lot. Of all the things you can do to show your wife that you love her, this is at the top of the list. Do it every day.
  2. Love Notes– This is my favorite. Telling your wife that you love her is one thing, but writing it down for her to read and reread is another entirely. For most women, words of affirmation are important. She may already know that you love/admire/yearn for her, but regularly telling her is a big deal. Writing love notes is easy to do, takes almost no time, and it means a great deal. It just makes sense to do it regularly. In addition, I often say the wrong thing in the moment. Somewhere between my brain and my mouth, the wires get crossed. Writing out your thoughts makes it easier to avoid the pitfalls associated with speaking off the cuff. Love notes can range from cards, letters, or post-it notes. In particular, notes that are written and tucked away where she will find them later are great surprise.
  3. A day away– Whenever I notice that my wife is particularly stressed, I plan a day out for her. I try to schedule these outings with one of her friends. I schedule a few activities for them to enjoy, like a massage, painting pottery, a visit to the chocolate shop, etc. The details mean a lot for these outings because they show that you have spent time thinking about her and planning the day. The most important part of showing your love for your wife is showing that you are thinking about her. For example, I paid for everything in advance or left gift certificates and love notes with the owners. Last time I put one of these days together, I was on a work trip. I had her girlfriend come by the house with a babysitter to watch the kids. The whole thing was a surprise. As gestures go, this one required a great deal of planning, time, and effort. Sometimes your wife needs time with her friends away from the kids, the house, and you. Recharge time is a huge deal and will mean a lot to her. I have also put these days together for her to take our daughter out for a “girls day” or our son for a play day. Obviously, these days have different planning requirements.
  4. The away day– My wife works hard and sometimes needs some quiet, down time. She likes getting out, but sometimes rest and relaxation are what the doctor ordered. For times like this, I take the kids out and leave her with a quiet house to herself. Typically, it’s necessary to do some big preparation in advance to ensure that the day is actually a gift. I usually get the house in order, catch us up on laundry, make snacks/food for her, etc. It’s no good leaving her home to relax, only to find that she opted to use the time to wash dishes, pick up the kids toys, and do laundry.
  5. Flowers– My wife doesn’t like flowers, because they die. She has trouble with the idea of buying things that we just throw away a few days later. I buy them sometimes anyway, and she likes them, but they aren’t her favorite. A year ago I happened on a solution to this problem. I read a few origami websites and spent a TERRIBLY frustrating evening figuring out how to fold flowers. It seems cheesy and I expected her to roll her eyes at the gift, but the time I put in meant a lot to her. I made one or two at a time over the course of several weeks, leaving them on her desk or nightstand. One afternoon I walked into her office to find she had put them all in a vase. Once again, the big thing is showing her you are thinking about her and spending time doing something just for her.
  6. Clean House– My wife and I split the workload in our home. We share in chores and childcare responsibilities. Now and then, I take an afternoon to thoroughly clean the house, wash the kids, and cook. When she comes home to a clean house and no chores, she loves it.
  7. Taking care of little things– A couple of years ago, I asked my wife about my habits that annoy her. It took some pushing to get her to open up about what I do that grates her nerves, but when she did, I found that the majority of the things on the list are little things, like changing the toilet paper roll when it’s empty, picking clothes up off the floor, or taking my shoes off when I come in the house. It seems silly, but changing these patterns was noticeable to her. In addition, they were easy habits to change. I had to put effort into remembering, but they made a difference. She noticed, which helped demonstrate my care for her. In addition, fewer annoying habits meant less for her to be upset with me over. Those little things add up quickly.
  8. Date Night– We try to go on a date every week. This isn’t easy, but it’s important. Marriage is maintained through quality time together. We can’t always find babysitters or spend the money for dinner out, but dating each other is a big deal. When we can’t get out we put our kids to bed early and eat dinner alone, play a game, or just sit and talk. Putting the effort in to courting your wife is a big deal. It tells her that she is important to you and that you don’t take her for granted. Planning a date as a way of showing her that you love her involves way more than just walking out the door. Admittedly, getting out the door for a date can be a challenge, but it’s not all there is. It’s important to take the initiative to line up childcare and take care of the “at home” details. If she has to go crazy lining these things up, it makes her evening less enjoyable. Further, it’s a big deal to research and plan the evening. Most of us have sat in the car trying to get our wife to say what she wants to eat or what she wants to do, only to have her respond: “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If this is how most dates turn out, then taking the initiative to plan the evening avoids the frustration of this conversation. Plus, planning shows thought, which is a big deal to many wives. The big goal is to make her feel special. Attention to the little things achieves that goal.
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Men With Stone Hearts: Becoming an Emotionally Mature Man

We may give our human loves the unconditional allegiance which we owe only to God. Then they become gods: then they become demons. Then they will destroy us, and also destroy themselves. For natural loves that are allowed to become gods do not remain loves. They are still called so, but can become in fact complicated forms of hatred.

C.S. Lewis — the Four Loves

doodle_pro_2016-05-23t15_44_17zIn general, emotions are a difficult topic for men. This difficulty spans a broad spectrum, from emotionless stoicism on one end, to the uncontrolled passions of aggression, anger, lust, and ambition that have earned the male gender a reputation for acting as the bull in the china shop of their relationships. One of the hallmarks of a mature man is his ability to manage his emotions. This is not full repression of feeling and passionless existence. The stoic philosophers succeeded in producing incomplete men by attempting to avoid one of the fundamental strengths of man. God designed passion into men, that we might reflect his character. You cannot read the scriptures and miss God’s love, joy, sorrow, rage, and jealousy. In short, we were made in the image of a passionate God. Jesus was often angry.  He loved folks passionately.  He wept at the death of Lazarus, and he mourned over Jerusalem’s ongoing rebellion. It is important to understand that God’s passions are restrained by His will and holiness. Further, it is important to understand that these are qualities of God, they are not God himself.

C.S. Lewis explains this idea well by pointing out that “God is love”, but “love is not God.” Men can find it tempting to turn their passions into gods. It’s easy to do because in its finest state, love can resemble God. This is appropriate, being that God’s perfect love is one of His major attributes. However, when love, or any of our passions, is elevated to the level of a god to be worshipped, it quickly also becomes a demon. Lewis’ book exploring this topic focuses exclusively on love, and he is correct in asserting that love, apart from any of our passions, most tempts us to worship it as a god. However, I would argue that all of emotions and passions can quickly take control of our lives. A man who pretends that he experiences no lust is no more honest and right than a man who worships romantic love and connection, being led by the nose from romantic infatuation to infatuation. A man who follows his heart and his secretary’s short skirt away from his wife and children is not magically virtuous if he justifies it saying: “The heart wants what it wants” with the reverence of a man righteously worshipping romantic infatuation.

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We joke about men being emotionless, but it’s not really true. Watch a man jump up and down cheering on his sports team for proof of this idea.

Lewis classifies love into four categories: affection, charity, friendship, and Eros (romance). A man does well to exhibit each with zeal where appropriate; along with other emotional states, like anger, pride, sorrow, etc. The mark of a mature man is that he is not controlled by these emotions. A mature man doesn’t drop into fits of rage like a petulant child, flinging hurtful words at those around him in retribution for not getting his way. Rather, godly men control anger, using it judiciously to improve the world around them, imitating Christ in passionate pursuit of what is right and good in the creation. A righteous man strives to love his wife faithfully, devoting his romantic energies to her and investing in the relationship so as to strengthen the marriage, enjoy his wife, and model Christlike marriage to his children. This precludes his chasing after romantic trysts, allowing a momentary infatuation to ruin his family, or submitting to his lust by indulging in pornography. Maturity sees romantic love as a component of long term committed relationships. Love for life’s mission and goals is another area where passion can quickly overrule good sense and wreck a man’s good judgement and direction. This is often seen with ministers who sacrifice their marriage and family on the altar of ministry success. This is a passion that neglects the weightier things of mature, Godly manhood. A man’s pride will drive him to work tirelessly to provide for his family, but the same pride can lead him to abandon his family in favor of his work. Desire to win drives athletes to training and living lives dedicated to success, though the same desire to win can lead a man to cheat or compete dishonorably. These are only a few examples of powerful passions that can drive a man to accomplish great things or break him.

This is no easy task. It requires maturity, accountability, prayer, and learning to imitate Christ. Jesus repeatedly proclaimed that his actions were a reflection of the Father’s will and in pursuit of his earthly mission. Mature men learn to bring their passions into submission, not ruled by them. But rather harnessing them in the pursuit of life mission.

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