Category Archives: Biblical Manhood

Quote: Reward in Good Character

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Better Man Project: 7 Things I’ve Learned From Reading More


I write a newspaper column entitled Patching Cracks for the local paper. Every January, I write a column on New Year’s Resolutions exploring the concept behind the practice, the reason most resolutions fail to enact lasting change, and how to improve the odds of a successful resolution. This year, I had a crazy realization. I haven’t ever made a resolution. I’ve written about the practice for years without actually trying it on for size. This year, I resolved to make severalresolutions and to try out my own advice. One of my goals for the year was to read more. However, “more” is pretty nebulous and failing to set a target to hit is the first step to failing altogether. So, I set a high, but attainable goal: I will read 52 books in 2016. Teddy Roosevelt read 2 to 3 books a day, so I figure I can manage to read one a week. Mind you, these are not just any books. I am reading 52 books that will expand me in some way. I love novels, but I don’t want to come to the end without becoming a better man. All of the my reading choices are non-fiction and focused on a topic that relates to me growing as a person. Nearly 6 months into the year, I’ve read nearly 30 books, mostly theology, Bible, counseling, manhood, marriage, or parenting focused. Beyond what I have learned from reading more in general, the effort of reading toward a goal has taught me a few things about reading that are worth sharing. 

  • Reading more has impacted everything. The reading I am doing has worked its way into almost every area of life. My preaching and teaching is the most obvious. Material from books, whether it is directly related or not, has found application as illustrations, examples, and anecdotes. It has given me more to converse about as well. Filling my head with new information day after day has given me new things to discuss with my wife and friends. Reading more has also helped me analyze more effectively. I suspect this is because the brain is a little like a muscle. The more you work it, the better it works. Oddly enough, reading before bed, in lieu of watching television, has even helped me sleep better. 
  • Reading daily has taught me about time and effort. I sort of understood the concepts behind time and effort already, but the illustration was more vivid. I am a slow reader. For whatever reason, I read slower than most other adults I know. I was unsure if I could read 1 book a week because it would likely take me way too long. Oddly enough, slow reading for an hour or so every day adds up. The trick is putting the time in to do it.  
  • Interest is vital. There are about half a dozen books I have started and given up on because I couldn’t make myself interested in the topic. I gave up on a great church management book because it was too dry to consume. I resisted this urge at first because having invested enough time to read half a book makes me want to keep going so I can add it to my total. The problem is that consuming boring material makes it so the completion of the book takes even longer. I can read an entire book that I enjoy in the time it takes to read a fourth of a dull book. 
  • The more I read, the easier it got. I have 2 Master’s Degrees. Reading is something I have done more than a little of in my lifetime. However, I never noticed how much easier it was to sit down and actually do it when I was doing it regularly. Not reading made it harder to read. Reading a few hours every morning made it easier to sit down and read in the evening instead of watching television. I have found it easier to read as a leisure activity. In addition to the non-fiction books I read as a part of hitting my goal, I have read half a dozen novels. I don’t count these toward my total. I just enjoyed reading them. It was easier to do after spending so much time reading toward my goal.  
  • There are all sorts of options for reading. I have an Audible subscription that nets me one audiobook a month. I also have an app called Overdrive that lets me check out e-books and audiobooks from the county library. I have found that working through audiobooks while driving, cleaning, mowing, walking the dog, or while at the gym works as well for me as music. Further, there is some material that I do better with when it is in audiobook format. As a rule, Kindle books and e-books are cheaper and easier to carry around. Also, I glance at my iPhone to check Facebook and Twitter regularly. Reading a couple of pages on a lighter topic is just as easy to do and less of a waste of time. 
  • Making time for reading is vital. There are so many things to get done in the average day. Work, family, and chores alone consume an enormous amount of time. I have to decide to spend time reading and schedule it in. Often, this means getting up early and reading before anyone else is awake. I am not a morning person. I had to work up to this by setting my alarm 30 minutes early, then an hour early, etc. It’s also easy to fit a half hour of reading in at bedtime or a few pages during lunch. 
  • Setting a daily goal helps. It’s easier to hit a target when you have a target to aim for. I found that I did better at reading consistently when I set a goal of 25 or 50 pages a day. I also do well with time goals, like reading 30 minutes before bed. In addition, daily goals make the task seem less daunting. It sounds easier to read 25 pages a day than 1 book a week. 

The goal of reading more started out as a way to test my own advice. However, six months into the experiment, I am finding that expanding myself through reading has been more than worth the effort. It has helped me advance my larger aspiration in life: becoming a better man.   

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7 Rules for Being a Gentleman and Christ’s Ambassador Online

The internet has provided us an amazing resource for engaging with our fellow man, discussing/debating ideas, and heaping foul abuse and nastiness on each other. Engaging in flame wars on the internet and mocking the viewpoint of the other person will do little to change the other person’s perspective. I am shocked at how often my brothers and sisters in Christ devolve to rants and abuse rather thank thoughtful discussion and debate. It is a sad reality that most men don’t bother to be gentlemanly or Christlike while engaging in internet discussion. Unfortunately, even pleasant arguing isn’t typically effective. It takes much more to effectively engage another person and properly represent Jesus in the process. I think the beginning of the problem is that most folks don’t reflect on what is needed to effectively represent Christ in the digital setting. Here are my 7 commandments for acting like a gentleman and an ambassador for Jesus.

  • Engage the other person’s ideas. One of the worst things about internet debate is the tendency to avoid actually engaging in substantive discussion. Most folks jump over intelligently engaging and go right to taking cheap shots at the other guy. I am a big fan of asking questions. Inquiry can be the most powerful tool in debate, largely because most people don’t bother to thoroughly consider their worldview, so challenging questions can encourage them to assess their position more thoroughly. Simply encouraging folks to explain themselves can effectively create an opening for real debate. Plus, encouraging cols to explain themselves can be very disarming. Most folks are geared to fight. Refusing to play along with that plan can be powerful. I strongly suggest checking out Paul’s experience on Mars Hill. He didn’t blast the philosophers. He found common ground and engaged. 
  • Refrain from Ad Hominem. The king of internet discussion tactics is calling names or attacking the individual who is presenting the opposing perspective (ad hominem). It’s easier than dismantling an argument and can be satisfying for folks who are mainly looking to unleash some of their rage on an anonymous stranger. In addition to being a terrible way to win a debate, it is also pretty contrary to what Christians are supposed to act like. We are not enemies with non-believers. In fact, we share the gospel in an effort to help folks, not to win against them. We are called to glorify God, not us.
  • Don’t assume that the other guy is stupid just because you disagree. Some of the most astonishingly brilliant men in history have been wrong about all sorts of things. Being incorrect is a factual problem, not a matter of intelligence. This is especially important because when we consider someone to be intellectually inferior we tend to become condescending or approach them with contempt. These attitudes are out of line when dealing with folks as representatives of Jesus. 
  • Be respectful, polite, and grace-filled. Most folks are looking for excuses to look down on you, talk down to you, stereotype you, or just plain be nasty. Don’t allow folks an excuse to pigeonhole your position. It’s far better to present a version of yourself that will defy their perspective. In addition, your politeness (particularly when the other person is being nasty with you) will make any observers of the argument more likely to be sympathetic to your viewpoint. It is of particular importance that you are aware of the limitations of the medium. The folks who are interacting with you have no way to know if you are being jovial, angry, condescending, sarcastic, etc. They will generally read inflection and tone into your words (and not charitably). This makes it necessary to be a bit exaggerated in your politeness, particularly when the other person attacks you. Jesus directed us to do good for those who attack us and the book of Proverbs informs us that soft words break hard bones.
  • Know how to present your case. Engaging properly will mean nothing if you don’t know how to effectively argue your point of view. This means being well read and putting a little thought as to how to effectively argue. There is all sorts of great material out there to learn how to defend the faith. Arguments range from defenses built on philosophical, moral, scientific, and all sorts of other grounds. However, you have to actually learn to do it. I highly recommend the Poached Egg Apologist as a resource for learning more about apologetics. 
  • Be honest. It’s easy to make stuff up, particularly when folks are not in any way capable of checking up on your words. Be honest and maintain integrity. Don’t become a monster in response to the attacks of a monster.  
  • Don’t take it personally. Any stranger who is attacking you because of your faith isn’t attacking you. They are attacking Jesus. Take joy in the opportunity to stand with Christ, don’t get angry, and remember that Jesus prayed for the folks who crucified Him. I think the best advice I could offer on this matter was spoken by Peter, as he watched his wife being crucified by Roman soldiers, the day before he himself was crucified. He told her to remember how the Lord loved those who crucified Him. Love defined Jesus, and Peter, and it should define us. No one is crucifying you. Love folks, even if they are unlovable at the moment.
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5 Books That Made Me a Better Husband


A few years ago, while taking a seminary class on Marriage Counseling, I realized that my performance as a husband left much to be desired. I wasn’t the worst husband in the world and, in fact, had become a better husband than I was early in our marriage. Instead of being terrible, I was just ok. That was not ok by me. I love my wife and want my life to be a blessing to her. I want her to make her life better through everything I do. This began my concerted effort to become the man my wife deserves and that God calls me to be. I approached this task in the same manner I approach every challenge and task in life. I’ve read everything I could find and experimented with implementing what I read. The following books are by no means exhaustive, but they are the ones that have influenced me more than any others. I’ve read most of them multiple times.

  • You and Me Forever– This book is one of the best marriage books I’ve read. Francis Chan sets his discussion of marriage in the context of the larger gospel message. He addresses the major areas of the marital relationship in light of eternity. This book is fairly unique among the other marriage books I’ve read because of the broad overview focus. It is powerful because it puts the various elements of marriage in context. The struggles, responsibilities, and worries of marriage lose much of their weight and take on new meaning in light of the fact that your family will spend eternity with God. Marriage is part of the preparation God gives us for that experience. For me, this book set a whole different context for marriage and prompted me to strive to be a better husband as a central responsibility of my life and as as a follower of Jesus. In many ways, this book prompted me to be a better man.
  • Sacred Marriage– Gary Thomas’ book is not entirely dissimilar from Chan’s You and Me Forever. It looks at marriage in terms of its role as preparation for eternity. Thomas’ treatment of the topic is more in depth and considers both the positive components as well as the difficulties faced in marriage. Thomas’ assumption that marriage is a means of developing a more intimate relationship with Jesus is profound and serves as a great foundation for spiritual growth. In relation to my marriage, this book fleshed out my understanding of how my marriage deepens my relationship with Christ. It gave me a whole other reason to strive to be a better husband as well as some context for understanding different aspects of my relationship with my wife.
  • Love and Respect– Love and Respect is a break from the previous titles on this list. It is far more practical in focus, dealing with the idea that many of the challenges that crop up between husbands and wives are rooted in very different personality types and ways of interacting with the world. The premise is that men need to feel respected by their wives and wives need to feel loved by their husbands. This is not to say that husbands don’t want to be loved and wives don’t want to be respected. Rather, the author argues that they are less important than the alternative. The implications of these needs are expounded on for practical concerns. This book helped me understand my wife’s point of view and offered a great deal of understanding as to why some of my actions/words upset her, which had previously perplexed me. Eggerichs is also a gifted speaker. His seminars are worth watching and very entertaining. He also does a podcast that is excellent. 
  • His Needs Her Needs– Harley’s two books on this list are very practical, which I love. He looks at the affection/love feelings couples have in the beginning of marriage and examines why they tend to dissipate as time goes on. He argues that the feelings are a product of having emotional needs met by your spouse. The book explores the various important emotional needs of husbands and wives. This volume was powerful for me because it gave me areas of focus for my energies in serving and loving my wife. In addition, the illustration Harley uses to explain the importance of meeting needs, the love bank, has served to well in my own motivation and in counseling/teaching others. 
  • Love Busters– I actually think that this book was more influential for me than Harley’s other book (His Needs Her Needs), but it is more focused on the negative behaviors that damage the relationship. I was shocked at how many of the behaviors I engaged in and how they affected my relationship with my wife. In conjunction with the various love busters behaviors, Harley offers a list of policies to implement in the relationship that help avoid the love busters and that ultimately feed into the more effective implementation of the lessons from His Needs Her Needs. My wife and I agreed on one element of these two books that we did not like. Harley uses scaling questions, which are common in counseling, but we found terribly difficult to deal with. Otherwise, these two volumes are exceptional.
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Pink On Family and National Morality

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I came across this quote from Arthur Pink today and thought it was worth sharing, particularly in light of the alarmist things I encounter in my social media feeds on a daily basis lately. It’s easy to find folks to blame for the problems in our nation. Folks post their outrage on social media, flock to politicians peddling easy answers, demand laws that will straighten up the world we live in, and pine for God to set things right. The problem with these solutions is that they are top-down fixes to a bottom-up problem. Decline and decay start in our own homes and churches. We must address our own messes before looking to those of others. In the 2 millennia since its birth, Christianity has changed the world, not through legislation and power, but through discipleship and devotion to the cause of Jesus. Fathers, follow Jesus and grow spiritually. Then, spend time with your families, loving and teaching them who Jesus is and how to follow Him. Devote yourself to your God, your marriage, your family, and your church (in that order). If you want this country to change, start with yourselves. Through prayer and discipleship, Jesus’ following grew to fill the world. It will only happen again through the same efforts.

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7 ways Husbands Mess Up the Loving Things They Do For Their Wives


I love my wife. I want her to love me and think I am a great husband. Heck, I want to be the kind of husband that makes my wife feel loved, appreciated, and treasured. Further, I want her to look to me as a source of comfort, assurance, and joy. Achieving this means courting her throughout our marriage. Sitting around and wanting our marriage to grow stronger without putting forth effort is unrealistic. I also want to be faithful to God’s command that I love my wife like Jesus loved the church. This means serving her. Over and over Jesus taught that love is demonstrated through service. Over the course of 18 years of marriage, I have learned through trial and error (lots and lots of error) that simply doing things for her is a start, but it is not everything. There are all sorts of things I, and lots of husbands, do to mess up the good things we do for them. We men can be thick-headed in regards to relationships and often act stupidly in ways that mess up what we are trying to achieve. Figuring out the big pitfalls and avoiding them is a huge part of courting our wives. Here are a few I have done or have observed in others.

  • We remind her that we did them. This is pretty simple. Your wife probably noticed what you’ve done. If you cleaned the house, she noticed. If you did laundry, she noticed. If you do dishes, wash the dog, wash the car, play with the kids, do yard work, write love notes, buy flowers, or anything else… she probably noticed. If she didn’t, she isn’t that concerned about it or is too tired or busy to notice right now. Eventually, she will. The more you talk about the good things you do, the less impressed she is by your effort. No one is that impressed by folks who have to blow their own horn. Serve your wife and let her notice on her own. She will. You not playing it up for points will make your acts more meaningful.
  • img_0717We think it’s a bigger favor than it actually is. There are some things we do that seem like a big deal to us. These are things that she sees as something we should have been doing all along or something that isn’t that important to her. It makes more sense to understand what she is impressed by, wants you to do, or would be meaningful to her, and then do those things. It’s easy to figure out what to do. Just watching what she reacts to or just asking her will tell you most of what you need to know. Also, a single nice act is one thing and will likely be something she appreciates. However, a real impact can be made by putting effort into doing things for her regularly. There is a cumulative effect. A thousand small acts of service, performed over the course of months, will mean more than one huge one standing on its own.
  • We do things she doesn’t want us to do. My wife doesn’t like surprises and isn’t moved by gifts. I spent years planning huge, elaborate surprises and giving her gifts. Neither impressed her much. I thought I was doing all sorts of things to court her, but I hadn’t bothered to learn that she loves acts of service and words of affirmation. Those sorts of things mean a lot more to her. I did what I liked, not what she liked. The point is to meet her needs.
  • We expect sex in exchange. Guys, admit it. We sometimes do things for our wives because we want sex. We clean, serve, get flowers, etc. because we want sex. The problem is that if your loving gesture has an ulterior motive, she will see it as a manipulation. All your good will dissolve the moment she knows you are doing things for you, not for her. Your loving acts need to be about her. They need to be done because you love her. She is smart. She knows. In addition, if you’ve been doing your loving gestures with the expectation of sex as payment, there is a cumulative effect. You build mistrust. You may have to do better for a while before she believes that you are doing them because you love her.
  • We play martyr. If you do things for her and play up the hardship on you or your sacrifice in an effort to build additional good will, it backfires. Do things because you love her, show strength in the effort, don’t make a big deal about it, and be clear that you are doing what you are doing because you love her. In the end, this the reason we court our wives: we love them. That’s what makes acts of service so powerful.
  • img_0715We do it half-heartedly. Do the things you do for her as best you can do them. If you can, do them without her asking. Definitely do them without her having to nag you. Your effort and you thinking about her is what makes your actions meaningful. Don’t do a bad job and don’t procrastinate.
  • You fight with her. Don’t fight with her! If she comments on something you missed when you were cleaning or something you did wrong, don’t lash out. If she doesn’t acknowledge what you did immediately or show as much appreciation as you expect, don’t lash out. I know it’s easy to get frustrated or feel hurt or feel unappreciated. Don’t fight with her about it. Doing something for her and following it up with anger or hurtful words will do far more harm than good. Take a deep breath, take a walk, think it through, don’t approach her with unrealistic expectations, whatever it takes, don’t pick a fight.
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Does the Bible Give Husbands Authority in the Home?

doodle_pro_2016-05-31t14_52_18z“As the man of the house, God put me in charge, so my wife has to obey my direction… or else she is sinning against God.” This silly line has been used time and again to justify all manner of sinful behavior, mistreatment of women, tyrannical rule in the home, and in itself has the potential to be a blasphemous statement. In fact, much of the anger that is raised the idea of men leading in the home or church is rooted in the wicked mistreatment of families using this idea as an excuse. I’ve spent the last 4 years trying to figure out how to be a Godly husband. (This is not a humble brag because I’ve actually been married for almost 18 years. Better late than never.) The biggest struggle I’ve encountered in the process has been related to the matter of headship in the home. I suspect that the struggle I am experiencing is a good thing. Not struggling with it could rise from an overly simple or self-serving understanding of the concept. It is far better to wrestle with this idea and approach the matter with fear and trembling. The understanding I have reached thus far is far from the “Woman! Get me a sandwich!” mentality that’s often the default perspective.

The most important part of understanding authority in the Scriptures is that it is exemplified in Jesus’ example and His relationship with the Father. Jesus is our Lord. Lord is a bit of a culturally foreign idea for us. The ancient world “lord” meant “boss” or “master”. Paul takes this idea a step further and refers to himself as a slave to Christ. As such, we do well to observe Jesus’ example of how authority is properly exercised if we desire to exercise it as well. This is particularly important because Jesus explains the source of his authority over us. He does so in John 5. To paraphrase, he says that he has authority because God gives it to him. That authority is linked to the requirement that it be exercised in harmony with the Father’s will. So, the Father has authority and will. Jesus wields the Father’s authority, but he must do it in harmony with the Father’s will. Otherwise, he ceases to have authority. This arrangement of submission and bestowing is made possible by the fact that the Father loves the Son and the Son loves the Father. The Son submits to the Father because he loves Him. The Father gives the Son authority because he loves him.

Now, if a man has authority in his home, it is either Jesus’ authority or it is in rebellion against God. To use authority for his own interests and agenda would be sin. So it is with men. If we are given headship in our home, it is only the case that we have authority as long as we are operating in harmony with Jesus’ will and teachings. If we fail to do so, our authority dissolves. Jesus said that he can do nothing on his own. The same is true of husbands and, incidentally, the same is also true with pastors. They have authority to preach, teach, and lead as long as they are doing so in harmony with Jesus’ teachings. Pastors cannot preach their own opinions, mistreat their flock, or live the high life while their people are hungry. To do so is rebellion against God. If a pastor fails to lead folks to Jesus, God’s people are to follow Christ instead of the pastor. They only follow the pastor when he looks like Jesus, wielding his authority by operating in his teachings and will. For husbands, breaking from God’s teaching and will leaves them standing on their own. Further, because such a man’s wife is called to follow Jesus, following Jesus takes precedent over all. She is only called to follow her husband when he is acting like Jesus. Period. The husband, like the pastor, carries the responsibility to follow, obey, and point to Jesus.

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How you demonstrate a husbands’ role to your kids will teach what to expect from their families. 

The implications of Jesus’ authority go further still. Jesus told his disciples that they were to lead, but not as the Gentile rulers do. Their leadership was to be marked by selfless service and self-sacrifice. They could not demand that the church wait on them hand and foot. Rather, they were responsible to serve their people. The greatest in the kingdom of Heaven will be the servant to all. Jesus offered the best example of this when he washed his disciples feet at the last supper. In ancient cultures, foot washing was a task reserved for the lowest man in the house. Foot washers were often ridiculed in popular literature of the era and Jews debated in court over whether or not a person could willingly wash their loved one’s feet as a show of devotion, with most Jews considering to to be too humiliating an act to be legal. Jesus demonstrated leadership by humiliating himself and washing his disciples’ feet, even Judas’! Greatness and leadership in the kingdom of God is exercised through humble, loving service. This example of leadership is to be emulated by a man if he wishes to operate in the headship that Paul mentions in Ephesians. Loving, humble, selfless service are what is demanded. It is a mark of the pollution of the world in the church’s understanding of authority that we default to the idea that husbands being head in their marriage means that the family serves and submits to him. The family follows Jesus. The husband is to point to Jesus and imitate Him. NOT doing so is a sin of being passive after being commanded to be active in leadership of the home, which was Adam’s first sin: Standing by passively and allowing the serpent to deceive Eve. Sadly, this is the archetype for many mens’ sins today.

There is a final component to the service and headship of Jesus. Jesus’ ultimate act of service was to die for his people. So it is for men in headship of the home. They are to die for their family. This may not mean a physical death. It may entail giving up on their desires, free time, rest, comfort, and interests in the name of loving their family the best way possible. That’s the heart of the matter: loving your family the best way possible. Love your wife the way Jesus loved the church. Show her Jesus in your actions and attitudes. You point to Him every day as the object of our worship. Do all of this whether your family deserves it or not.

Some folks might read my words and ask: then what is the point of having authority, if it doesn’t do you any good? This is a question that demonstrates thinking outside of the mindset of the Christian faith. We do not serve for our own benefit in this life. We serve because we are motivated to do so by our love for God and our family. Further, we do so because serving our family makes us more like Jesus. Becoming like and growing close to Jesus is the ultimate aim of the Christian faith. It is the purpose for which we’re saved. A man’s headship in the home should not be to his worldly advantage or for his own comfort. We serve in this way because it is our duty as servants of Jesus.

In the end, I do not have a lot to say about a wife’s part in the whole equation, apart from the fact that she is not obligated to put up with evil, abuse, or foolishness. I have mainly focused on my job. I figure that if I do my job right, everything else will naturally fall into place. Beyond that, I’m far too busy trying to understand the requirements of my role and live up to being like Jesus to worry about my wife’s job. The mistake husbands often make in relation to their wives in this area is that they become so focused on what she should do that they ignore their own responsibilities and role. In a way, it reminds me of my kids. They get so overly focused on their siblings failure to do their chores that they neglect their own chores. They accuse each other without doing their job. Men, worry about the log in your own eye before pointing to the sawdust speck in your wife’s.

A final thought, Peter warns men to be careful to treat their wives right so that their prayers won’t be hindered. Years ago a friend told me that this can be boiled down to the hard truth that if you’re not right with your wife, God doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. That’s something to take very seriously. It’s enough to demand humility, fear, and trembling in our handling of our role as husband.

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The 10 Most Important Things to Do When Taking Your Kids Camping

img_1457Last year, I read Theodore Rex, a biography of Teddy Roosevelt. Amongst the many things that stood out to me in the life of that great man was that he took his children camping almost every night while staying at his vacation home. This was a man who was the leader of the free world, a world class intellectual, and a war hero. He was not too busy or too important to sleep under the stars with his children. I am willing to wager that for all the great things that Teddy was, his kids valued that time spent with him more than anything else. As dads, we often get distracted by our work, our hobbies, and our comforts; all to the detriment of the time we spend with our kids. Putting forth the effort to create special times with them is important. It is when the real impact of our parenting will blossom. Camping is a unique way to do this, because it takes us out of our comfort zone and away from our distraction, forcing us to pay attention to each other. For a child, camping with dad is a great adventure and a privilege. Here are a few of the things I have learned from camping with my kids.

  • You are the most important part of the equation! Last weekend, I had hoped to take the kids camping in the backyard. I’ve been anxiously awaiting my first chance at camping with the kids since January. However, 3 days of heavy rain changed that plan. So, I set up the tent in the living room and we camped indoors. They loved it and I learned something important.
    I am the most important part of the camping experience. I don’t say that to be arrogant. Rather, I realized that the kids, more than anything else, wanted to spend time with me. The prospect of sleeping on the floor with me was pretty exciting. Going to exotic locations, doing crazy things, and planning perfect outdoor experiences are all important, especially as the kids get older, but the single most important component is spending time with dad. That will be the part they remember for the long haul. You don’t have to be an expert outdoorsman to make the experience memorable. You just have to be there.
  • Don’t let the weather stop you. Over the past weekend, rain forced us indoors. I’ve been camping with teenagers
    from work in the past, when it rained for 4 of the 6 days we were in the woods. Instead of enjoying the great outdoors, we played cards in the tent, talked, listened to thunder and wind, learned to build fires in a downpour, read, and had a different brand of fun. The perfect experience isn’t found only when the conditions are perfect. Perfect experiences are had when you enjoy time together, without the everyday noise and distractions of our modern life. This doesn’t mean you should risk your life. Rather, be willing to adapt to the situation. Camping indoors or in a rental cabin is better than doing nothing.
  • IMG_1178Plan time together. The first big camping trip I took my daughter on in the mountains included fishing. She had seen fishing in cartoons and assumed it would be a very different experience. I am confident that she did not love it. She is too impatient. However, she loved sitting in my lap, eating snacks, talking, and reeling in the only fish we managed to catch, which she was terrified of when we finally got it to shore. The time we spent together was the big part. Eventually, I will teach my kids how to pick a campsite, build a fire, cook outdoors, etc. Those activities will be great because it will involve time together. For children, the time you spend focused on them is more valuable than anything else.
  • Step it up in increments. This weekend wasn’t our first experience with living room camping. My children are still young and I recognized that it was necessary to take small steps in the camping experience. Living room camping made it easy to put the kids to bed in their own room if sleeping in the tent proved to be too much for them. Cuddling in the cold of the morning was safer for the first time, knowing that I could take them in from the back yard if it freaked them out too much. Camping at a ranch, within walking distance of a ranch house, is a safe bet if the noises of camping outside of town became too much for them. Increments warmed the kids up to camping in a way that made it easier to experience. This summer I hope to get my daughter out to sleep under the stars.
  • Stay up late to see the stars. One of the biggest blessings of living in Montana is the abundance of beautiful scenery. Perhaps none better than standing under the night sky and seeing the grandeur of God’s creation sprawling before you. My preschool daughter was almost speechless at the sight. On our first camping trip in the mountains, we sat up late (admittedly, watching cartoons) and got out of the tent at 2 AM. The view was breathtaking. Living in a town or city often makes this sort of experience non-existent. If you are going to be out there, take advantage of the opportunity.
  • Eat junk food. There are purists who would disagree with me on this one. However, I am of the opinion that camping should be a special experience. It should be a big treat that they look forward to. Part of how I make this happen is by hitting the junk food aisles at the grocery store and letting the kids pick whatever they want. S’mores are a must, but cookies, chips, candy, etc. are not to be overlooked. Sitting up late, waiting for the sun to set and the stars to come out, and talking is greatly enhanced by the presence of processed junk food. Sharing a bag of Oreos with dad on a camping trip is pure gold. Disclaimer: In bear country, you have to be pretty careful. Have fun, but don’t be stupid.
  • Cook over the fire. Campfire food is amazing. Even if it’s not good by normal standards, a kid cooking their own meal over a real fire is an experience on its own. Teaching a kid to cook their own dinner and marshmallows over an open flame is integral to the camping experience. Plus, it feels like a grown up privilege for them. It’ll make the trip extra special.
  • Talk with your kids. Time spent camping should be special. Sometimes I let the kids watch cartoons, particularly when living room camping. We read comic books, play games, run around, and do all sorts of other things. But, I’d argue that the most important part is talking. You teach your kids how to be adults. Wisdom imparted while camping takes on an extra weight of importance. Don’t waste the opportunity to deepen your relationship through connecting and relating to your children. While you’re camping, the kids will have fewer distractions. Their tv, toys, phones, and every other shining thing that draws their (and your) attention away will be nowhere in sight. Take advantage of it. Talk to each other. This is particularly important when they are young. If you want your kids to talk with you when they are older, teach them to do it early.
  • Don’t forget to have fun. There are so many things to do and worry about that it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you are there to have fun. This is particularly the case because men often have trouble shutting off the part of our personality that focuses on work and worry. Your kids want to have fun with you. Don’t forget to enjoy yourself and them. They will only be young once. Don’t miss it.
  • Do it often! Camping is one of those things that they will remember, especially if you do it often. It’s not always easy to get away to the mountains to camp, but the backyard and living room are always there. Being a dad isn’t something you do once every summer. The biggest impact is made by investing a lot of time. Sleeping in a tent isn’t comfortable, but your kids will remember it for the rest of their lives.
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8 Ways to Show Your Wife that You Love Her


I love my wife more than I can say. Unfortunately, I often neglect to say or show it. I may just be in the remedial class of romantic husbands, but a few years ago, I realized that I didn’t do nearly a good enough job telling/showing my wife what she means to me. Saying “I love you” is a good start, but I have discovered that actions speak much louder than words when it comes to making her feel loved. In fact, I’d argue that love is best shown through actio, rather than words. Jesus demonstrates this principle through his service and sacrifice for those he loved. Certainly words are necessary, but actions are vital. My biggest problem in showing my wife how much I love her is conjuring up clever ideas for showing it. Knowing what to do is a real challenge.

  1. Talking– Remember when you were dating and you used to sit and talk for hours without any effort? When was the last time you did that? Talking is important to most women, far more so than it is for most men, who typically talk less. They just don’t need to talk in order to feel close to their wives. This is not the case for women. Most women identify conversation as a major emotional need. Unfortunately, what was easy while you were dating can quickly become an enormous challenge. After marriage, it’s important to intentionally spend time talking to her. Ask her about her day, her feelings, and what she thinks about various matters. Paying attention to her, listening to her, and opening up to her means a lot. Of all the things you can do to show your wife that you love her, this is at the top of the list. Do it every day.
  2. Love Notes– This is my favorite. Telling your wife that you love her is one thing, but writing it down for her to read and reread is another entirely. For most women, words of affirmation are important. She may already know that you love/admire/yearn for her, but regularly telling her is a big deal. Writing love notes is easy to do, takes almost no time, and it means a great deal. It just makes sense to do it regularly. In addition, I often say the wrong thing in the moment. Somewhere between my brain and my mouth, the wires get crossed. Writing out your thoughts makes it easier to avoid the pitfalls associated with speaking off the cuff. Love notes can range from cards, letters, or post-it notes. In particular, notes that are written and tucked away where she will find them later are great surprise.
  3. A day away– Whenever I notice that my wife is particularly stressed, I plan a day out for her. I try to schedule these outings with one of her friends. I schedule a few activities for them to enjoy, like a massage, painting pottery, a visit to the chocolate shop, etc. The details mean a lot for these outings because they show that you have spent time thinking about her and planning the day. The most important part of showing your love for your wife is showing that you are thinking about her. For example, I paid for everything in advance or left gift certificates and love notes with the owners. Last time I put one of these days together, I was on a work trip. I had her girlfriend come by the house with a babysitter to watch the kids. The whole thing was a surprise. As gestures go, this one required a great deal of planning, time, and effort. Sometimes your wife needs time with her friends away from the kids, the house, and you. Recharge time is a huge deal and will mean a lot to her. I have also put these days together for her to take our daughter out for a “girls day” or our son for a play day. Obviously, these days have different planning requirements.
  4. The away day– My wife works hard and sometimes needs some quiet, down time. She likes getting out, but sometimes rest and relaxation are what the doctor ordered. For times like this, I take the kids out and leave her with a quiet house to herself. Typically, it’s necessary to do some big preparation in advance to ensure that the day is actually a gift. I usually get the house in order, catch us up on laundry, make snacks/food for her, etc. It’s no good leaving her home to relax, only to find that she opted to use the time to wash dishes, pick up the kids toys, and do laundry.
  5. Flowers– My wife doesn’t like flowers, because they die. She has trouble with the idea of buying things that we just throw away a few days later. I buy them sometimes anyway, and she likes them, but they aren’t her favorite. A year ago I happened on a solution to this problem. I read a few origami websites and spent a TERRIBLY frustrating evening figuring out how to fold flowers. It seems cheesy and I expected her to roll her eyes at the gift, but the time I put in meant a lot to her. I made one or two at a time over the course of several weeks, leaving them on her desk or nightstand. One afternoon I walked into her office to find she had put them all in a vase. Once again, the big thing is showing her you are thinking about her and spending time doing something just for her.
  6. Clean House– My wife and I split the workload in our home. We share in chores and childcare responsibilities. Now and then, I take an afternoon to thoroughly clean the house, wash the kids, and cook. When she comes home to a clean house and no chores, she loves it.
  7. Taking care of little things– A couple of years ago, I asked my wife about my habits that annoy her. It took some pushing to get her to open up about what I do that grates her nerves, but when she did, I found that the majority of the things on the list are little things, like changing the toilet paper roll when it’s empty, picking clothes up off the floor, or taking my shoes off when I come in the house. It seems silly, but changing these patterns was noticeable to her. In addition, they were easy habits to change. I had to put effort into remembering, but they made a difference. She noticed, which helped demonstrate my care for her. In addition, fewer annoying habits meant less for her to be upset with me over. Those little things add up quickly.
  8. Date Night– We try to go on a date every week. This isn’t easy, but it’s important. Marriage is maintained through quality time together. We can’t always find babysitters or spend the money for dinner out, but dating each other is a big deal. When we can’t get out we put our kids to bed early and eat dinner alone, play a game, or just sit and talk. Putting the effort in to courting your wife is a big deal. It tells her that she is important to you and that you don’t take her for granted. Planning a date as a way of showing her that you love her involves way more than just walking out the door. Admittedly, getting out the door for a date can be a challenge, but it’s not all there is. It’s important to take the initiative to line up childcare and take care of the “at home” details. If she has to go crazy lining these things up, it makes her evening less enjoyable. Further, it’s a big deal to research and plan the evening. Most of us have sat in the car trying to get our wife to say what she wants to eat or what she wants to do, only to have her respond: “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If this is how most dates turn out, then taking the initiative to plan the evening avoids the frustration of this conversation. Plus, planning shows thought, which is a big deal to many wives. The big goal is to make her feel special. Attention to the little things achieves that goal.
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Meat Eating Vegetarians and Self-Centered, Loving Husbands


Originally published in the “Patching Cracks” Newspaper column- Big Sandy Mountaineer, October 30, 2013. 

For around 7 years before coming to Montana, I was a vegetarian. I did not eat meat. When I moved to Montana, into a cattle ranching community, it just made a lot less sense to be a vegetarian. So, I now eat meat. If I were to tell people that I am still a vegetarian, it wouldn’t be accurate. I cannot truthfully say: “I am a vegetarian that eats meat with almost every meal.” The fact that I now eat meat makes me not vegetarian. The label implies certain things about my personal practices. This may seem like an obvious point, but it is important to understand that if I am going to accurately make statements about myself or my beliefs, they must reflect my reality.
“I love my wife and children.” When I say this, it can mean several things. The most basic meaning of the word “love” in this context is associated with an emotional affinity. I feel emotionally connected to my wife and children. The larger meaning of the word refers to selfless service and care. It is larger than a simple feeling. It is important to note something about the difference between the two. Love that is simply a feeling carries with it a degree of selfishness. The feeling of infatuation that is commonly associated with the simple emotion of love is pleasant. People enjoy feeling it. “You make me feel good.” The greek word for this type of love is eros. It is not a bad thing, it is just different from the deeper definition of love I referred to earlier.

Selfless love, which in greek is agape, refers to love that is primarily concerned about the object of love. The New Testament depicts agape love as an action type word. It is exemplified in Jesus’ death on the cross. According to the Bible, this act of self-sacrifice was Jesus’ taking punishment for the sins we commit. It goes so far as to say that we are God’s enemies before He redeems us through the cross. This means that agape love is so selfless that it would willingly give up everything for the object of that love, even if the object of love doesn’t return the affection at the moment. Agape love is selfless giving. It is more than feelings, though feelings can and do accompany agape love. They just don’t define it. Ultimately, this is the love that God intended to exist between spouses and for parents to have toward their children. Unfortunately, this also often goes against the dominant cultural attitude of “I should be happy no matter what” and “if it feels good, I should do it.”

When I say that I love my wife, I mean more than simply that I feel a certain way. I mean that I am committed to selflessly serve and care for her. It means that I am committed to a lifestyle that God intended for spouses to assume as a part of marriage. I am not perfect in this effort, but I strive to live that way. This is what God calls all spouses to strive for. If I claim I love my family, but pursue my own interests first and foremost, I am like the guy who claims to be a vegetarian, but eats meat every meal.

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