Many years ago, when I was in college, I bought my first adult car for $500. As the old saying goes: A $500 car doesn’t go far. This proved true as it generally didn’t get far between breakdowns. Being a poor college kid, I was forced to learn the gentle art of automobile repair and maintenance. Surprisingly, I found that I really enjoyed fixing things. I love diagnosing a problem and replacing parts. However, over the years I have also discovered
that I hate doing maintenance work. I will happily replace a water pump, but cringe at the thought of changing oil or doing a tuneup. It’s just easier to not do maintenance. The problem, of course, is that not doing maintenance results in frequent breakdowns, poor fuel economy, and shorter lifespan for the vehicle in general. The same is often true of many men. Solving a problem is more interesting to them than working to maintain things. Unfortunately, this tendency often translates into married life.
Before proceeding further, I’m going to acknowledge that this is a very guy-oriented illustration for understanding marriage, but this is intentional because this post is aimed at men. For many men, dating and courtship go hand in hand and ultimately deliver them to the altar with their new wife. This is a problem to be worked on, a goal to be achieved, or an objective to be reached. Unfortunately, this can represent the end of courtship. The job is completed and now its time to put the tools away. It is not unusual for men to take on new projects after marriage, like career advancement. Its not that he no longer loves or desires his wife. Instead, it is easy to see her as “won.” The relational tools that served him so well when trying to win a wife become increasingly less used. Romance, long conversations, and thoughtful gifts grow increasingly less frequent and sometimes cease altogether. As the years pass by, date nights and gifts of flowers are all too often replaced with nights on the couch watching television and gifts of vacuum cleaners or other practicalities. The trend often accelerates with the arrival of children, which gives both parents a new object of focus that demands their relational energy. The movement away from the courting stage often results in married couples that lack connection and eventually become glorified roommates. In addition, as the “pursuit” phase of the relationship fades, it becomes easier for men to fight without making up; after all, the spouse’s affections have already been won so there is no point in winning them again. There is no job to be done. The relationship still basically works. Why bother fixing it?
The problem with this is that it generally results in unhappiness in the marriage and frequently leads to divorce. Though the solution sounds simple, it is easy for men to take it for granted. Men must learn to take on their end of the responsibility for regular maintenance of the relationship in the form of courting behaviors. Going on dates, buying romantic gifts, just talking for the sake of talking, and maintaining interests apart from child-rearing are a few suggestions, but anything that results in building up the relationship will do. This is sort of like changing the relationship spark plugs and air filter. It’s not challenging, but it needs to be done, particularly when kids enter the picture. Several years ago, my wife and I realized after our daughter’s first birthday that we had only gone out alone together twice in the previous year. Courtship and routine relationship work had fallen to the wayside. If it had been allowed to stay there, our relationship would eventually stall and leave us stranded with a bigger set of repairs to do. When couples find themselves in this predicament, they often simply opt to sell and find a newer model.
To be fair, this maintenance work is not the responsibility of only one partner. Both spouses ought to look for ways to entice and woo their mate. It is important that this task be taken on with the understanding that open communication about intentions is vital and that your spouse may not respond in the way you want them to. However, if your partner doesn’t simply conform to your relational preferences, it is necessary to recognize that courting is done in order to help build the relationship, not for your immediate gratification. Love is selfless, which means focusing on the other’s needs. Often, effort and time are needed before damage done through ongoing patterns of neglect are repaired. Sometimes, it is necessary for time to go by before courting patterns change the situation. It is also necessary to understand that patterns that develop in relationships over the course of years will not be undone in a matter of days. It may take time and regular intentional maintenance work before things run smoothly, but the payoff is worth it.
love sleep. Perhaps the biggest blessing I have experienced as a parent is the opportunity to see another human being in a similar light to how God sees humanity. As I sit with my cranky child, the verse that keeps running through my head is from Psalm 8.
with the problem. His response made me angry. He asked me how praying for them was going, also reminding me that Jesus directs his followers to pray for their enemies. I didn’t argue, because I knew I was stuck. This began a process of prayer that changed my life. It was hard to pray for the men in question, largely because I didn’t want to do it. The idea of praying for these guys who had made me miserable for months scalded me. It offended me through and through. Praying for my enemies, and as dramatic as it sounds, they were my enemies, was difficult at first. As time progressed, it became increasingly easier and I learned several important lessons. 
n though the kids sometimes tried to punch you, at least they were attacking you out in the open and to your face. It took my wife and I years to decide to agree to take on ministry employment in a church again. There is a terrible truth about churches that has to be faced by anyone who is (or was) ever a part of one. The people who are meant to become like Jesus through their lives together in the church community, often bear little resemblance to Jesus or what He taught. Over the years, I have spoken with and visited with all sorts of folks who have shared tough stories, ones that I can relate to all too well. Folks were burned by people that were supposed to love and support them. It’s a tragedy that such experiences are so common. While talking with a friend earlier this afternoon, I realized how blessed I was to have been surrounded and supported by some awesome believers who helped my wife and I find rest and healing after a tumultuous time in our lives and relationship with God. The basic lessons and realizations we came to were powerful and important.
ons I learned was from the Apostle Paul. While studying the second letter to Corinth, I realized that Paul had come to visit the church there and been humiliated and run out of town. A group of preachers, who were more concerned with making money than preaching the gospel, had made a fool of Paul in a debate. Paul then sent Titus to salvage his relationship with the church. He was eventually reconciled with them and the false teachers run off. The thing that’s worth observing here is that Paul was stabbed in the back, mocked, and mistreated by folks who were supposed to be his brothers in Christ. His response was stern, but loving. He did not back down off of the truth, but throughout the whole ordeal he pointed to Jesus as the truth. He did not want payback. He wanted the church to be reconciled. Ultimately, he was just following the example of Christ, who reinstated Peter after he denied even knowing Christ. The lesson to be learned here isn’t that we should jump back into the mess after walking away from those who abused us. Rather, it is a model of forgiveness and grace. It is very easy to fall into bitterness after we are hurt. It is easy to attack and judge. In the end, we need to forgive in order to heal. Nothing keeps a wound fresh more effectively than picking at it forever. I do not believe that Paul simply forget when individuals proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Rather, I’d suggest that he acted “as wise as a serpent and as innocent as a dove.” Love and grace need to rule our attitude and decisions, particularly when dealing with fellow believers. 
e challenge as part of our James sermons series. Since then I have had several members approach me to tell me that they are reading James daily. This has sparked some interesting conversations about how the book has pushed them to reflect on their own lives. It has also prompted me to consider the whole idea of the challenge, particularly as I prepare the 3rd sermon, dealing with James 1:19-27. Several things have come to mind and I hope to explain them in this essay.
ange that takes place in any person happens as a result of the Holy Spirit convicting you and prompting change. Further still, we are made new and changed as the Spirit aids us in overcoming our sinful behaviors and habits. This change is a process that is rooted in the Holy Spirit’s action in us. God’s actions aside, we cannot read as a passive audience. We must act in response to what we read.
ned without me realizing it. I started out as a balled up fist of anger, bitterness, and pain. In the name of my addiction, I had hurt those around me and acted despicably. Over time, I got healthier. Then one day I was sitting in a meeting listening to another person talk. I don’t even remember what they were talking about, but I remember hearing them say words that I had said to myself on many occasions. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was as if I was listening to myself talk about my own addiction. Over the years, I have listened to others in recovery talk about the destruction they brought to those around them, stealing, degrading themselves, and almost every other conceivable sin. I don’t feel sickened by their sins. I feel empathy and I see myself. I hear my own thoughts. I see my own loneliness. I hear the lies I tell myself. Sometimes that’s in the past and other times its today. It is difficult to look at sometimes, but seeing my own sickness in the mirror that is others who are struggling for freedom from the slavery of addiction reminds me of what I am capable of. Remembering where I came from helps keep me free. A friend of mine often tells me that the darker the darkness of the world, the brighter the light of the cross of Jesus. 
Patching Cracks 