Category Archives: Man Skills

Tin Men: A Perspective On Work and Love

I originally wrote this  for the Big Sandy Mountaineer in the Patching Cracks column. I have updated it for this setting.

Screen Shot 2019-07-19 at 8.33.32 AMI recently read the Wizard of Oz and was surprised at some of the differences between the film and the novel. The most interesting difference related to the story of the Tin Man, who started out as just an ordinary woodsman. The woodsman was cutting wood to earn money to buy a home for his fiancé, who he loved dearly. While he was working one day, he accidentally cut off his own leg, which he has replaced with a mechanical one. The same kind of accident claims his other leg and his arms, all of which he replaces with mechanical limbs. He discovers that he is able to work much better as a result of replacing his body parts with machine parts. Eventually, he loses his head and splits himself in half and becomes a fully mechanical man. Now he can work all day and all night without ever resting. The problem is that his heart is gone and he no longer cares about the woman he loves. All he cares about is working. Everything else is forgotten entirely.

This story is interesting because, despite being a children’s tale, it illustrates a sad phenomena that takes place all the time in our world. I have met many men who meet a woman, fall in love, get married, then work very hard to provide her with the best life he can give her. Those are great things. The tricky part is when the man becomes so engrossed in his work that he stops pursuing his wife. It’s easy to do because men are geared to work hard. It’s part of what gives life purpose. In fact, one of the first things God did when he created Adam was give him a job to do: naming animals and working in the garden. Work holds an important place in the male identity. The problem comes when he stops loving everything else. Work becomes his mistress and he leeches time from his wife and family in order to work more. Eventually he winds up struggling with restoring peace to his relationship when conflict inevitably arises as a result of the attention paid to work and not paid to his home life. This is a natural result of misaligned priorities.

In the story, the Tin Man believes he has no feelings, but in reality he does. He becomes emotional at different times, but avoids it because crying makes him rust. This is typically the case for men who fall in love with work. Feelings are hard to deal with and it’s easier to avoid them than to deal with them. When home life becomes difficult, he works harder and hides out at the office because the world there is easier and safer. I’ve known plenty of guys who are afraid of the emotional complexity of repairing their home situation and simply sit at their desks to solve the problem. They get the reward of achievement, financial benefits, and can point to their long hours “to provide for the family” when criticized for neglecting their wives. I’m not saying that working hard is wrong. However, I am arguing that marriage comes with its own set of responsibilities that do not evaporate at 9 AM on Monday. 

In reality, most men still love their wives and become easily frustrated when things don’t go smoothly at home. They want things to work right but can’t quite figure it out. Or, they work hard to provide for their families and don’t realize that they are forgetting the other things they are responsible for. Either way, work is a necessity and it’s easy to justify making it the number one priority in life. However, that is not the way God designed us to be. 

The solution to this issue in our lives is to acknowledge the importance of our family relationships and focus on them. Work is important, but it is not all-important. The cool thing about the book is that the wizard doesn’t actually do anything for the Tin Man. He just convinces him that he still loves his fiancé so that he will act like it again. The same is true of most men. They can fix their problems by simply acting like they love their wives: showing them attention, doing nice things for them, having conversations again, going on dates, and all the other stuff they did when they were dating. This is really just a matter of making our outward actions reflect our inward reality. It’s really not that hard to do. Most men did it well when they were younger. They just have to decide to do it again. I would suggest that this is encapsulated well in Paul’s direction to “love your wife like Christ loves the church.” Love her. Meet her needs. Put your own self second. Have a heart for loving and serving.

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Faking Manliness: A Response to a Common Trope in Christian Manliness Literature

 

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This morning I overslept. I wasn’t late for an obligation or anything, rather I didn’t get up as early as I wanted to in order to achieve my morning goals. I went to the gym and felt tired. I don’t know whether it was because I was unmotivated, dehydrated, or something else. I finished my workout, but I didn’t go as hard as I wanted to. I got less done for work in the morning than I wanted, though I did get some things done. I just sorta fell short of my goal. While taking my son to swim lessons, I read an essay on pushing yourself to create the type of person you want to be and I felt convicted. Still, my physical state was dragging. My spirit was willing, but my flesh was weak. This often seems like the case when I set lofty goals: I eventually lack the time, energy, or will to achieve them. I am not great at being perfect.

My morning devotions dealt with Paul being the chief of sinners. It struck me that Paul worked harder than anyone else around him to achieve righteousness under his own steam. Yet he still failed. He later said that all his efforts were a pile of trash next to knowing Christ. In Romans 7 he acknowledged his daily struggles to overcome sin. Still he pushed hard and confessed that it was only Christ in him that made him good and righteous.

Now my morning focus turned to the manhood movement within evangelicalism and the larger point of my essay. Scrolling twitter, I came across a post from a pastor trying to shame guys into overcoming any softness in their lives. It was obvious he wants men to reach a lofty state of manliness that he has decided is the target of all believers. It was condescending, self-righteous, and unbiblical. He tried to coat it with a religious veneer, but it was a thin veil. He basically told men: Do not be soft, dependent on others, or effeminate in any way. To do so is to fail as a Christian man. It had the feel of a Christianized 300 speech. Part of what troubled me is that the type of manliness the pastor was describing is not unheard of in Christian circles. Lots of male focused Christian literature and influencers push this narrative that men should rule their homes with an iron fist, never feel emotions, shed weakness, and fight the world. The problem is that for anyone to try to live that way is purely playacting. 6846443501_7627be2b7c_b.jpgThere is no authenticity to it. If manliness is all about eschewing “softness” or any kind of personal weakness, it is a form of farce. It eliminates wide swaths of men from the contention of manliness and rewards virtues that don’t really make a man.King David wouldn’t even qualify, because although he was a fierce warrior he was also a poet. He danced before the Ark. He wept. He had close friends who he loved. He wore his dependance on God as a badge of honor. He was a man of steel and velvet. He was also sinful. 

If my manliness is derived from my ability to get up early, bring it at the gym harder than anyone else, achieve more at work, or whatever, I will always be reaching for a ring that is unattainable. My flesh and the reality of my physical limitations are always going to get in the way. I am a cracked clay pot. I can push forever, but never be “good enough” because good enough is a shifting goal post. There’s always something more. My righteousness, toughness, and discipline will always be insufficient. Or worse, they will become a point of pride that will serve as a stumbling block to myself or those around me. Paul realized that. He worked to be like Jesus, acknowledged his struggles to hit the mark, and owned his shortfalls. I think that is what I want to be. I want to be a man, doing his best to be like Jesus. I want to love my wife like Christ loved the church. Teach my son to be like Jesus. Preach the Gospel and faithful explain the scriptures to the best of my ability. Still, I am going to be unfocused and soft sometimes. I’m going to act like a selfish child when my flesh overcomes me. If I fall short but I am a tool in the hands of my master I will consider it a win. If I’m not manly enough or disciplined enough or holy enough, then the good things I do are despite my weakness and point to the fact that Christ can still work through a broken tool. When I tried to be the best and to never deal with my weaknesses, it drove me to drink and wreck everyone around me. I will try hard and Christ will do the rest. If I am weak, he is strong. If I am boasting in anything, it won’t be my manliness or toughness or anything else. It’ll be in Christ alone.

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8 Ways to Show Your Wife that You Love Her


I love my wife more than I can say. Unfortunately, I often neglect to say or show it. I may just be in the remedial class of romantic husbands, but a few years ago, I realized that I didn’t do nearly a good enough job telling/showing my wife what she means to me. Saying “I love you” is a good start, but I have discovered that actions speak much louder than words when it comes to making her feel loved. In fact, I’d argue that love is best shown through actio, rather than words. Jesus demonstrates this principle through his service and sacrifice for those he loved. Certainly words are necessary, but actions are vital. My biggest problem in showing my wife how much I love her is conjuring up clever ideas for showing it. Knowing what to do is a real challenge.

  1. Talking– Remember when you were dating and you used to sit and talk for hours without any effort? When was the last time you did that? Talking is important to most women, far more so than it is for most men, who typically talk less. They just don’t need to talk in order to feel close to their wives. This is not the case for women. Most women identify conversation as a major emotional need. Unfortunately, what was easy while you were dating can quickly become an enormous challenge. After marriage, it’s important to intentionally spend time talking to her. Ask her about her day, her feelings, and what she thinks about various matters. Paying attention to her, listening to her, and opening up to her means a lot. Of all the things you can do to show your wife that you love her, this is at the top of the list. Do it every day.
  2. Love Notes– This is my favorite. Telling your wife that you love her is one thing, but writing it down for her to read and reread is another entirely. For most women, words of affirmation are important. She may already know that you love/admire/yearn for her, but regularly telling her is a big deal. Writing love notes is easy to do, takes almost no time, and it means a great deal. It just makes sense to do it regularly. In addition, I often say the wrong thing in the moment. Somewhere between my brain and my mouth, the wires get crossed. Writing out your thoughts makes it easier to avoid the pitfalls associated with speaking off the cuff. Love notes can range from cards, letters, or post-it notes. In particular, notes that are written and tucked away where she will find them later are great surprise.
  3. A day away– Whenever I notice that my wife is particularly stressed, I plan a day out for her. I try to schedule these outings with one of her friends. I schedule a few activities for them to enjoy, like a massage, painting pottery, a visit to the chocolate shop, etc. The details mean a lot for these outings because they show that you have spent time thinking about her and planning the day. The most important part of showing your love for your wife is showing that you are thinking about her. For example, I paid for everything in advance or left gift certificates and love notes with the owners. Last time I put one of these days together, I was on a work trip. I had her girlfriend come by the house with a babysitter to watch the kids. The whole thing was a surprise. As gestures go, this one required a great deal of planning, time, and effort. Sometimes your wife needs time with her friends away from the kids, the house, and you. Recharge time is a huge deal and will mean a lot to her. I have also put these days together for her to take our daughter out for a “girls day” or our son for a play day. Obviously, these days have different planning requirements.
  4. The away day– My wife works hard and sometimes needs some quiet, down time. She likes getting out, but sometimes rest and relaxation are what the doctor ordered. For times like this, I take the kids out and leave her with a quiet house to herself. Typically, it’s necessary to do some big preparation in advance to ensure that the day is actually a gift. I usually get the house in order, catch us up on laundry, make snacks/food for her, etc. It’s no good leaving her home to relax, only to find that she opted to use the time to wash dishes, pick up the kids toys, and do laundry.
  5. Flowers– My wife doesn’t like flowers, because they die. She has trouble with the idea of buying things that we just throw away a few days later. I buy them sometimes anyway, and she likes them, but they aren’t her favorite. A year ago I happened on a solution to this problem. I read a few origami websites and spent a TERRIBLY frustrating evening figuring out how to fold flowers. It seems cheesy and I expected her to roll her eyes at the gift, but the time I put in meant a lot to her. I made one or two at a time over the course of several weeks, leaving them on her desk or nightstand. One afternoon I walked into her office to find she had put them all in a vase. Once again, the big thing is showing her you are thinking about her and spending time doing something just for her.
  6. Clean House– My wife and I split the workload in our home. We share in chores and childcare responsibilities. Now and then, I take an afternoon to thoroughly clean the house, wash the kids, and cook. When she comes home to a clean house and no chores, she loves it.
  7. Taking care of little things– A couple of years ago, I asked my wife about my habits that annoy her. It took some pushing to get her to open up about what I do that grates her nerves, but when she did, I found that the majority of the things on the list are little things, like changing the toilet paper roll when it’s empty, picking clothes up off the floor, or taking my shoes off when I come in the house. It seems silly, but changing these patterns was noticeable to her. In addition, they were easy habits to change. I had to put effort into remembering, but they made a difference. She noticed, which helped demonstrate my care for her. In addition, fewer annoying habits meant less for her to be upset with me over. Those little things add up quickly.
  8. Date Night– We try to go on a date every week. This isn’t easy, but it’s important. Marriage is maintained through quality time together. We can’t always find babysitters or spend the money for dinner out, but dating each other is a big deal. When we can’t get out we put our kids to bed early and eat dinner alone, play a game, or just sit and talk. Putting the effort in to courting your wife is a big deal. It tells her that she is important to you and that you don’t take her for granted. Planning a date as a way of showing her that you love her involves way more than just walking out the door. Admittedly, getting out the door for a date can be a challenge, but it’s not all there is. It’s important to take the initiative to line up childcare and take care of the “at home” details. If she has to go crazy lining these things up, it makes her evening less enjoyable. Further, it’s a big deal to research and plan the evening. Most of us have sat in the car trying to get our wife to say what she wants to eat or what she wants to do, only to have her respond: “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If this is how most dates turn out, then taking the initiative to plan the evening avoids the frustration of this conversation. Plus, planning shows thought, which is a big deal to many wives. The big goal is to make her feel special. Attention to the little things achieves that goal.
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Becoming a Better Man: How to Learn a New Skill


The first car I bought in college cost me $250. It was a ’77 Lincoln Continental. I knew almost nothing about cars, or I probably wouldn’t have bought it. It was rusty, barely ran, and blew such a large cloud of smoke when it started that a friend commented to me that she could see it from across campus. The first time it broke down was about 15 minutes after I paid for it. It was not the last time. Keeping the Continental running soon became a full-time hobby. The biggest problem with this hobby was that I had no idea what I was doing. I had spent almost no time using tools; I didn’t know that my Lincoln had a V-8 engine, and when I looked under the hood of my rusty old car, all I saw was a scary mess. However, my budget (or lack thereof) and my jalopy forced me to take action. I started out by tuning up the car. This meant buying a Haynes manual (a car fixing book) and borrowing some tools. Over the next several years, I read every repair book I could find and I asked questions of anyone who I could find who knew anything I didn’t. My uncles, other students, my philosophy professor, and the guy at the auto parts store all reached a point where they rolled their eyes at the words: “I have a quick question about cars…” Within a year, I was making extra money doing minor repairs to other students’ vehicles. In the 20 years since, this skill has served me more times than I can count. Now, it is a relative rarity for me to pay a mechanic. 

This is one of several skills I’ve acquired over the years, which are purely a product of deciding I want to do it and then applying myself to learning. These skills range from mechanical to computer related talents to relationship skills, and many others. We live in an era where knowledge is easily acquired and is often free. Very little is more fulfilling to a man than learning to take on a problem themselves and then doing it. Solving problems yourself is satisfying and confidence building. I can think of very little in life that feels better than saying: “I got this” and it actually being true. A basic part of becoming a better man is incremental growth through ongoing study and effort. Along the way, I’ve figured out a handful of basic tips that can be applied to the process of acquiring a new skill:

  • Read and ask questions. The great thing about knowledge is that it’s easily acquired by reading books. Libraries, the internet, and bookstores are easily accessible and serve as a wellspring for almost every area of learning. I learned more about how cars work by reading the diagnostic pages of the repair manual than from anyone I have ever asked. This truth isn’t limited to fixing cars. I learned to BBQ ribs, build a campfire, clean fish, aim a rifle, and a dozen other skills by reading books. Further, most folks who have knowledge are happy to share it. Asking questions of folks who know what they are talking about is a great shortcut. The great thing about the time we live in is that the Internet can connect you to experts all over the world, who gather on discussion boards. Further, YouTube offers all sorts of instructional videos on subjects ranging from plumbing to cars to cooking to anything else you can think up. 
  • Don’t be intimidated or work through it when you are. Cars scared the heck out of me when I started. Taking things apart was even worse. I found that diving in was the best way attack the problem. The problem I’ve seen in myself and other novices is the fear of just getting started. Self doubt and worry blocks the path. However, most of those fears are baseless. In 20 years, I can think of only a handful of instances in which I wrecked something because I took it apart when I shouldn’t have. 
  • Be patient. The biggest issues I’ve encountered in learning a new skill is when I get ahead of myself. You can’t expect to be an expert immediately and attacking a project without understanding everything involved can create a lot of headaches. Before starting anything new I make it a point to read and study everything I can find. Reading all the steps first is a great way to avoid those sorts of “uh-oh” moments. Practice is the pathway to expertise.
  • Take notes. My first tune up taught me not to take things apart without making note of how to put it back together again. Since then, I’ve labeled everything, drawn diagrams, taken notes, and photographed everything. A picture makes it much easier to remember which wires go where. Relying on your memory when working in unfamiliar territory is a bad idea. This is especially easy with large projects. It’s easy to forget little details in the middle of a complicated task. 
  • Don’t limit yourself. It’s easy to limit this process to purely mechanical skills. This is simply not the case. A few years ago I decided to needed to step up my game as a husband and father. A couple dozen books on the subject have made me a better man in these areas. Most of my graduate school experience was done through distance learning. Essentially, this means I learned almost everything through reading books and asking questions. You can learn anything through reading and study. I often have folks ask me how they can understand the Bible better, I invariably tell them to read it. Sometimes I give them a couple of guidebooks to move them on their way. 
  • Reading the RIGHT books is essential. Setting out to learn theology by picking up an advanced textbook written for doctoral level theologians might not help, largely because you won’t understand it. Reading a motorcycle repair manual to fix your Honda Civic will likely be of little aid. Find the right material before you start. I have found that most folks will willingly point you in the right direction if you ask. In addition, Amazon searches and book reviews will give you some great hints regarding what level of student a book is meant to help. Finally, if you start on a book that’s too advanced for you, put it down and read a different one. It’s easy to get frustrated and quit, but you’ll gain nothing by doing this. 

The biggest thing to remember is that all education is an incremental journey. We learn to read over the course of several years as children. We learn to walk, only after mastering sitting up and crawling. Anything can be learned if you are willing to put in the work needed to learn it. Any skill you have is a skill you can teach to someone else. 

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