Originally published in the “Big Sandy Mountaineer”, October 22, 2014.
In the bottom drawer of my toolbox, there is a 4 foot long piece of steel pipe. It is exactly the right size to fit over the handle of my socket wrench. Though it is not a proper tool, I have used it more times than I can explain. It has been used to add leverage to my wrench and break a stubborn bolt free. I have used it to pry down the control arm of a Honda while installing a ball joint. I once used it to lift an engine off its lower mount. I even used it to pry a tire off of a car after the rim had rusted in place. Though it’s not a tool, my “cheater bar”, as they are usually called, is by far one of the most versatile and useful items in my toolbox. In a similar way, one of the most useful marital tools I have discovered isn’t exactly a tool or a technique. It is a strategy. The strategy is simple, though counterintuitive: Don’t win.
I have noticed that many married couples, myself included, take the opposite strategy. When an argument begins, they set out to win. This is a pretty natural response to conflict. We try to win. When we argue, we employ strategies that help us prove our point, gain the moral high ground, undercut our spouse’s position, and often times we try to hurt each other. Both participants cease, for a time, to look at each other as partners, instead seeing each other as opponents. The problem that arises with one spouse winning a fight is that the other one loses. Though, more often, rather than producing a winner or loser, fights end in a draw. This leaves both sides wounded and entrenched. The resulting hurt and damage to the relationship may not be major, but it is present. Marriages don’t end after a single fight, instead dying deaths of a thousand cuts. The “win the fight” strategy is a losing proposition in the long term, resulting only in two individuals who are convinced that they are right in the relationship issues, and both of them alone.
The strategy that solves this problem is simply working toward not winning. Couples who learn to see each other’s point of view and compromise. This requires a constant and intentional remembering that you love each other and are on the same side. Every problem, issue, or disagreement that arises is either a battle to be fought together or an opportunity to grow stronger in the relationship through communication and mutual submission. This works best when both partners agree on the strategy, but can be effective with only one partner approaching the marriage with this strategy.
Over the past few years, I’ve read several articles arguing varying perspectives on the ideal wife portrayed in Proverbs 31. Most of these articles have argued the matter in terms of whether or not this woman is a standard model for wives and women everywhere to aspire to be the best housewife possible in serving her 1950s family or an allegory for wisdom so as to remove the unattainable ideal that just serves to discourage women into standardized gender roles. I’ll admit that these characterizations are hyperbole, but I am exaggerating the extreme sides of this debate for a reason: because this text has become a bit of a tug-o-war passage for folks in the battle over the role of women in the church. Each side pulling for a gender political stance and taking pride in their position, sometimes without bothering to ask whether or not they are glorifying Christ in their stance. My intent in this post is not to engage either of these positions, but rather to offer an analysis of the text with an eye on shedding a little light as to what believers are actually supposed to do with these passages.
Understanding the historic context is also important for getting a solid grip on the meaning of the passage. The advice being offered isn’t being given in a culture where people typically married for love. Marriage was generally a very utilitarian institution. Wives were selected based on all sorts of considerations, most of them pragmatic. The poem is literally about choosing a wife according to high character standards. This choosing was more akin to shopping than our culture tends to immediately recognize.
If you haven’t noticed the excess of advertising yet, Valentines Day will soon be on us. It’s the one day a year everyone expects you to act romantic. Flowers, cards, candy, stuffed bears, and all manner of other romantic stuff are practically a requirement if you don’t want to get into trouble. The crazy thing is that I know guys who go out of their way to show their wives they care on that one day of the year, but otherwise live like roommates with their spouse. The reality is that February 14th is just another day. If husbands are to take seriously their vows to love their wives and follow the direction Paul gives in Ephesians 5, they have to take loving their wives seriously the other 364 days as well. Here are 5 suggestions to kick off a year of showing your wife how special she is.
In 1863, President Lincoln declared the final Thursday in November the official Thanksgiving holiday. While Thanksgiving had been celebrated irregularly for several hundred years, it was not an official holiday in the United States and was not annually celebrated until this point. It is significant that Lincoln chose to establish the holiday in 1863 because the American Civil war had been raging for several years. Hundreds of thousands of Americans were dead, the United States was united no more, the nation lay in shambles, and it appeared as though the North wouldn’t win the Civil War. To top it off, Lincoln’s son had died less than a year previous. It was in the midst ofone of the darkest points in American history, and certainly Lincoln’s own life, that he declared that Americans would dedicate a day to thank God for the blessings that they had received. This is a powerful testimony to the degree of faith and dedication Lincoln had toward God. It is also an attitude that is difficult to muster during times of tragedy.
It is tough to stop and say thanks for what God has given you when everything seems to be falling apart. Often, disaster prompts people to turn and ask: “Where is God in all of this difficulty?” or “Why Doesn’t God do something to fix this for me?” Lincoln offers us a terrific model for our attitudes toward God in times of trial. This attitude can seem almost superhuman, and certainly unattainable for normal people. I’d suggest that this is probably the case. But, while it may be impossible for men to be thankful in all circumstances, it is certainly isn’t impossible for God to create an attitude of thanks in man’s heart. I’d argue that this is a product of intentional effort and practice, that God aids us in accomplishing.
comes with it. I had never replaced a clutch and had no idea how important the tool was, so I said “no problem” and was on my way. I discovered that it actually was a problem when I attempted to put the engine back into the car with the misaligned clutch. The engine simply would not fit the transmission. I tried several improvised fixes, but had no success. Finally, I pulled off the clutch and went back to the shop, where a different guy was now at the counter. He looked at the clutch and stated firmly that they didn’t sell the alignment tools separately and that the part was not returnable because I had attempted installation. After some arguing and effort, I realized I wasn’t going to make any progress. I then turned to the internet and discover that no one was selling my alignment tool. Finally, after days of working on the problem, I took the engine to the dealer and paid an hour’s worth of labor to a technician, who spent 3 minutes aligning my part. The little plastic alignment tool, that seemed so unimportant at the time, was vital to properly installing my clutch. Without the tool, the engine, which produces power, simply couldn’t connect to the transmission, which transfers power to the tires.
but struggle with making the ideal version in their head transfer into relationship reality. They want to communicate without arguing, agree on financial decisions, experience perfect harmony in their physical relationship, and find that spark of excitement that was present when they first started dating. The problem arises when the idea as to how marriage ought to be fails to translate into forward and harmonious movement in the relationship. This misalignment is a product of the fallen nature, which inclines us toward self-centeredness. If you take a look at Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, you will find the antithesis of the sinful inclination of man. It’s natural for people to struggle with making their behavior match their convictions. Paul describes this struggle in Romans 7,
n specific application. I have a hammer for knocking dents out of metal, one for driving nails, a sledge hammer for demolishing things, even a slide hammer that pulls things outward instead of pushing things forward. Like any weekend warrior mechanic, my hammer also does double and triple duty for all sorts of other tasks that aren’t necessarily hammer specific. In the marital toolbox, there is a similar tool that can be used in a wide variety of ways, both constructive and destructive. That tool is the power of our words. This tool is not dissimilar to the hammer in that it is frequently the most powerful tool we employ. The book of Proverbs speaks of the tongue as possessing the power of life and death. James speaks of the tongue as a spark with the power to set the world on fire. I am certain that most married couples can recall instances when a few poorly chosen words set their world on fire with arguments that went on for days. The key to using a hammer properly is using at the right time and in the right way.
Patching Cracks 