Tag Archives: wife

7 Steps to Deal With Anger Toward Your Spouse

yellingI love my wife dearly. I believe that she is a gift from God, who has made me a better man during the 17 years we have been married. I will confess that those 17 years have not always been a fairy tale where the young lovers live happily ever after. There have been more than a few frustrating days and fights. It’s strange how easy it is to be angry with someone who you care for so deeply. I often hear people say that they are far meaner and find it easier to be angry toward their loved ones than they would be toward strangers or acquaintances. Anger is powerful and can be dangerous to relationships. It is important to deal with it appropriately and effectively, lest it take root and grow into bitterness that poisons the whole relationship. The following are simple, Biblical steps to take in dealing with anger.

  1. Pray for your spouse. It seems like Christian advice all too often begins with: “Have you prayed about it?” Which, I’ll confess, simply produced eye rolls in me for many years. For many years my attitude was: “I don’t want to pray, I want to do something productive.” Though I would never have vocalized it, because Christians are supposed to be serious about prayer. It’s easy to give prayer lip service, but to not take it all that seriously. My attitude toward prayer has since changed. Interestingly, I began to value prayer primarily in response to Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5:44, directing believers to pray for enemies. During a time of frustration with coworkers, I found myself praying for them. I carried a great deal of anger toward these individuals, but as I prayed for them over the course of weeks, it became easier to simply let go of offenses and forgive. Prayer changed my heart and my attitude. If praying for my enemies and those who offend me alters my attitude toward them, the same principle should apply to my family. If I find myself frustrated with my spouse, praying for her ought to be the first response. Further, the more I pray for her the harder it will be to get angry. Prayer alters our hearts to reflect Jesus’, creating a different attitude to direct our response.
  2. Deal with it quickly before your anger becomes resentment. A while back I cut my hand, not badly. Just a small cut. Because I am a guy, I simply ignored it. However, instead of getting better it got infected. The little cut grew red, swollen, and painful. The only solution was to lance it and drain the infection, which was unpleasant. The same thing happens with anger. Anger that we ignore and just swallow can grow into resentment. Resentment is old anger that shades our perspective on people and situations. Resentment can slowly grow into a constant state of low grade hostility. The surest way to tell if you have a resentment is if you frequently revisit old offenses and stew in them.
  3. Serve your spouse. You could probably make the case that you ought to be serving your spouse anyway, but when you are angry it is particularly important to do this. I recently heard someone say that prayer is good, but prayer accompanied by changes in our actions is really powerful. If you are praying for your spouse during a time of anger, serving them should follow close behind. In Romans, Paul directs us to serve our enemies: To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink;…” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. It may be an overstatement to call your spouse evil, though I am sure the word could have been applied to me more than once during my marriage. The general principle applies well. Serving others when they don’t deserve it is the ultimate in imitating Christ. It is a discipline that can provide opportunity for our hearts to change. In the past when I have served those I disliked and was praying for, everything changed.
  4. Evaluate your expectations. Often, anger toward a husband or wife begins with unrealistic expectations. It’s easy to develop unrealistic expectations for those around you. Your spouse doesn’t read minds, no matter how loud you think things at them. They won’t have the energy they did when you were in your 20s. Your husband won’t wake up tomorrow speaking poetry and looking like he stepped off the cover of a romance novel. Your wife won’t suddenly become hyper-sexual. The house won’t be always be perfectly clean. The honey-do list won’t be done before you even make it. They aren’t necessarily going to be excited about the same things you are excited about. Nobody is going to want to volunteer to get up at 2 AM and feed the baby. Expecting your spouse to suddenly be someone they aren’t, particularly if they don’t know you expect it, is unrealistic and will only lead to frustration and anger.
  5. Talk it through. I didn’t start with this one for a very good reason. It’s one of the most important things to do when dealing with anger, but it only works when you come into the conversation with your heart in the right place. It’s entirely too easy to devolve into a fight when you discuss things you are angry over. It is especially the case when you are still a little hot under the collar. Anger makes communication impossible. The previous steps are helpful because they tend to shape our attitude going into the conversation. It is important to eventually reach a point where conversation can take place. Some marriages have issues that prevent any discussion or dealing with the problems at hand without them devolving into shouting matches. In these cases, it’s best to back up and work toward an environment where communication can take place. It may require counseling or intentionally working to improve communication skills. Communicating needs to be a major objective in every area of marriage, particularly conflict. Without it, the relationship will whither and die.
  6. Recognize your role in relation to Jesus. The description of duties for husbands and wives in Ephesians 5 is often subject to confusion. Paul spends half the chapter comparing the relationship between a husband and wife to that which exists between Christ and the Church. Instead of focusing on this dynamic, discussions on the passage focus on “who is in charge”, “what are MY rights in this relationship”, or “what am I owed by my spouse.” The problem with these discussions is that they shift away from the truth that marriage is to reflect Jesus and the church. Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially and selflessly. Wives are to respect their husbands as with someone who has given up everything for them. Fighting over rights and what they owe me is foreign to this model. When we grow angry, it’s vital to remember our role. Husbands represent Jesus. That’s no small thing. Wives are to love their spouse like the church loves Jesus. What if he/she doesn’t deserve that? You and I don’t deserve the grace that Jesus offers us on the cross. Remember, these our our roles, not what we demand of them.
  7. Forgive. At the foundation of it all is forgiveness. The solution to anger is forgiveness, which is hard. It requires the Holy Spirit to soften our hearts to the point that we can let go of resentment and anger. It is modeled in Christ and the church and ought to be what we strive for in our marriages.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Techniques for Managing Childrens’ Behavior

IMG_2990Early in my career, I worked at a facility for children with emotional disorders. We provided services for children ranging in age from 8 to 18. Many of our clients came from juvenile detention and it wasn’t unusual for them to have received little parental discipline or direction. One of the major challenges of the job was getting our adolescent clients through their everyday routine without major blowups, violence, or even having them just sit down and refuse to do anything at all. This was particularly challenging when it came to doing chores, going to school, and going to bed on time. During the first few months at the agency the training regimen is excessive, between behavior intervention techniques, therapeutic crisis intervention, and basic relational techniques. During that time I learned a grab bag of techniques for convincing kids to follow directions or to stop acting badly without resorting to physical intervention. As a parent, I’m increasingly discovering how useful these techniques are in raising and disciplining my own children. Having options when it comes to kids is great because they can be incredibly frustrating. Being able to choose an approach gives you a sense of control that can feel like it’s in short supply when you have only one or two approaches. The following are the interventions that I have found most useful in parenting:
  • 971904_10151370209716599_114566200_nPlanned Ignoring/Positive Attention This technique is based on the assumption that kids sometimes act out in an effort to get your attention or to get you to act in a particular way. Simply put, you do not reward undesirable behavior at all. You don’t cater to it or even acknowledge it. When they do what you want, you lavish praise and attention on them. One of the most obvious examples of this is the temper tantrum. Every morning I dress my 3 year old daughter and take her to work with me. Since she reached the age of 2 she has begun to disagree with me regarding the right wardrobe choices. This sometimes results in a fit of screaming and carrying on. Since it’s in my own home, I’m under no pressure to engage it. So, I usually walk away and let her yell. When she realizes that it’s not working she stops. On the other hand, when she asks for different clothes appropriately, I praise her and listen to her opinion. This approach works best with annoying behaviors when there are no time pressures. It essentially allows the child to figure out that what they are doing isn’t working. If they have a fit in the middle of the grocery store, ignoring it isn’t the right choice. If they are playing with knives, ignoring it is a bad idea.
  • Redirection- Kids have a tendency to lock into ideas or behaviors, not easily letting go. This tunnel vision makes it hard for them to let go of what they are locked onto. This can be inconvenient when they get upset about something they don’t understand, want to do but cannot, or something they just won’t let go of. Sometimes the solution to this is redirecting their attention, getting the child to pay attention to something else that will draw their focus away from whatever it is that they are locked on to. Typically, this involves picking a new area of focus and giving them a reason to focus on it. Years ago I was working with a young man who had become very upset about losing some privileges. He worked himself into a tizzy and was acting out loudly. I sat down with him and began telling him a story about my dog. I put a lot of energy into the story and was animated in my telling of it. I maintained eye contact with the boy the whole time. He slowly calmed down as his focus shifted and he went from cussing and throwing things to listening to my silly story. The story worked because I gave him a new focus, I held his attention through eye contact, and I was energetic and interesting. This drew him away from his tunnel vision.
  • Giving them choices- For some reason, children sometimes decide to just dig in and do the opposite of whatever you tell them. I pick out a shirt for her to wear and she doesn’t want it, no matter what I pick out. Part of reason this happens is because as kids mature they begin to assert more and more control over their environment. This prompts them to simply dig in because they can. One solution is offering 2 or 3 choices, which allows us them to have some control over the situation. The approach applies in all sorts of situations. I’ve had success using this when choosing what to feed the kids, who will read bedtime stories, etc. This approach is mostly effective when the child is resisting based on their desire to control their environment.
  • Hurdle Help- Hurdle help involves turning a large task into small, easily accomplished steps. My daughter struggles with cleaning up the giant messes she seems to be able to make. When directed to clean, she will respond that it’s too much and that she cannot possibly do it by herself. Prodding and pushing only results in her yelling that she cannot do it. Instead, I tell her to pick up one specific toy, for example her toy train, and put it in the toy box. Then another and another. This continues until she is in the process of picking up toys. I’ve used it with older students who were struggling with being overwhelmed by school assignments, like writing papers. Instead of saying: “write the paper,” I tell them to pick out a smaller task to accomplish, followed by another, until the paper is completed. Hurdle help works well in situations when a task or expectation is too much to take on altogether, either because the child is overwhelmed or too stubborn to do a larger task.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Blame, Responsibility, and Arguing in Marriage

UnknownIn the Bible’s account of the fall of man into sin, God calls Adam to account for breaking the only rule that had been given to them for living in the Garden of Eden. They had eaten of the forbidden fruit. The Bible indicates that Adam was standing right there and yet, said nothing as Eve was tempted. Adam isn’t innocent at all. He neglects his role as the spiritual leader in the family by saying nothing to correct the falsehoods in the serpent’s arguments. Adam stands by and allows everything to f all apart, then participates in the rebellion by eating the fruit. His problem is essentially passivity. God confronts him by pointedly asking: “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” Adam’s response is characteristic of the passivity that got him there in the first place: “The woman you put here with me- she gave me some of the fruit from the tree and I ate it.” Notice what he did there: he blamed God and the woman before mentioning his own actions. It’s HER fault and YOU put her here! Eve in turn, blames the snake for tricking her. This exchange has essentially turned into a template for unhealthy marital interactions. Many an argument between spouses gets stuck in finger-pointing. One or both partners works to pin responsibility for some injustice onto the other. Accepting responsibility is difficult and it’s usually a poor tactic for winning a fight. Often, the best tactic appears to be either denying guilt or justifying behavior.

967d60f40a44da71ee77e43c49b08ad247ced562e02c33a8bd09412aa877bea8Denying guilt is easy to understand. If Adam had simply said: “I didn’t do anything,” it would be denying. Arguing results in heated emotions that can prevent individuals from recognizing their own culpability or even recognizing that a fight has moved well past the point of making sense. Sometimes arguments perpetuate because one or both spouses are angry and simply want the satisfaction of forcing their partner to take responsibility for the fight.

What we saw Adam actually do is justify his behavior. He explains why he was less guilty than everyone else in the room. This is generally seen in arguments when in individual is called out for a particular wrong, and simply responds by saying something to the effect of: “I had to ______, because you ______” or “you started it.” What it comes down to is the person making the argument acknowledges that they did do what they are being accused of doing, but they had to do it because of some outside force that is really at fault for their actions.

Neither denying responsibility nor justifying behavior is a productive response to conflict. They do not help the couple come to a solution that will strengthen the marriage in the long run or do anything but perpetuate bad feelings and/or arguing.

The solution is to simply learn to accept responsibility. Sometimes this means taking a few deep breaths, reigning in the emotions, and being open to accepting blame. This may feel like the equivalent of throwing down your rifle in the middle of a battlefield, but if that’s the case, perhaps it would be valuable to ask if a raging battlefield is how you want your marriage to be. Another potential objection to this solution is that “my wife/husband wouldn’t do this, so why should I.” Ultimately, we can only effect change in our own behavior. We can implore change in our spouse, but we cannot make them act differently. The final guideline is not to take a victim stance, but rather to genuinely accept responsibility, apologize, and strive to communicate in a healthy way. The simple statements: “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry” are a silver bullet to salve hurt feelings and end many fights. This is particularly important for husbands, who have a spiritual responsibility to lead their marriage through serving their wife and helping her to grow spiritually. Regular bickering and dirty fighting does little more than burn relationship credibility. Husbands need to put effort into building the credibility that is needed to lead their family. Biblical leadership is accomplished through service, not authoritarian rule. Husbands must focus on the big picture of the marital relationship, rather than getting mired in a win-this-fight-at-all-costs mentality.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,