Tag Archives: Advice

10/14/2014
Leave a comment
Life Application, Parenting, Real World Superhero

Raising a Real World Superhero Part 3: Training Young Men to Respect Women

 Over the last few weeks, you can hardly turn on a news program without coming across an opinion piece or news story about Ray Rice, the professional football player whose career has been ruined after a video surfaced of him punching his fiancee. Having seen the clip, I can’t fathom how anyone can call it anything but reprehensible. As the larger culture debates what sort of action should be taken and whether or not the league acted appropriately, fathers need to take the opportunity to talk with our IMG_2208sons and educate them as to how God calls them to act toward women. In a culture that is increasingly hostile to the dignity of women, treating them as sex objects, humiliating them in pop culture, or glorifying their mistreatment; it is vital that we make our stance clear and stand firm on the matter. Raising a young man into a superhero requires more than just teaching him to carry a football; it involves teaching him to act with integrity toward women, whether that woman is his wife, sister, date, neighbor, or a stranger.

There are all sorts of biblical passages that describe the importance of men protecting women and treating them with a special degree of gentleness. The prophet Malachi offers a strong statement on the subject when he writes:
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Malachi 2:16
In the ancient world, women who were divorced were put in a difficult situation, IMG_2279as remarriage was difficult and there were limited employment and property ownership rights. This resulted in poverty, indentured servitude, or prostitution as the only options for women who did not have a husband. God’s declaration of anger toward men who do not love and take care of their spouse is no small matter. God expected men to care, protect, and provide for their wives. Further, the act of abandoning her is described as an act of great violence. The message seems clear, violence against your wife isn’t okay. Even more so, husbands are expected to not only to abstain from violence toward wives, God considers not taking care of them as being on par with violence. Men are to treat women with an extra measure of gentleness and protection.

Another powerful verse that is worth considering is found in Peter’s comments on how various groups ought to act. Interestingly, Peter’s list offers special concern to groups who were less powerful and more likely to be oppressed. His instruction to men is sometimes misread:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
1 Peter 3:7
It’s easy to see the phrase “weaker partner” and assume that it’s a condescending statement. What Peter means here is that women are typically physically smaller and not as physically strong. Peter’s wording refers to loving, considerate, and gentle treatment of the wife. This is based on the reality that the husband is physically capable of hurting his wife. Peter’s direction is for Christian men to be gentle. Peter also points out that women are heirs of eternity, in the same way that men are. This puts women and men on equal footing before God. As such, they are to be treated as equals in all other respects.

A final passage worth considering is from the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus specifically directs His followers not to look at women lustfully, because in doing so, he commits adultery in his heart. This passage explicitly teaches that men are to remain sexually pure in their thought lives. However, it is reasonable to read the passage as also teaching that treating women as sex objects is not acceptable.

Raising a young man, one who stands apart as a hero to those around him, requires that he learn to treat women right. It is vital that the fathers persistently talk to their sons about God’s directions for us to treat women gently and with respect. Sons need to be taught that they are supposed to physically protect women, as isclick here their responsibility before God. Treating a woman roughly or violently is totally apart from God’s direction for them. Further, God repeatedly describes Himself as a protector of those who are most exploitable. This is an example Christian men are to emulate. We should not engage in any activity that treats women with less dignity than is afforded to God’s beloved creation. This is foundational for raising a young man to be a real world superhero. Beyond teaching them, fathers must model the behavior in their relationship with their wife and the women around them. Boys learn to be men by watching their fathers and the other strong male figures in their lives. A father must model right behavior to raise a superhero son.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
10/13/2014
7 Comments
Life Application, Parenting

5 Daddy-Daughter Date Night Ideas

real world linkI take my 3-year old daughter out on dates every couple of weeks. She picks the sort of restaurant we would visit, the activities we engage in, what we have for dessert, and what kind of music we listen to while driving. She dresses up and we spent the evening together. My daughter and I go on dates regularly. We watch movies together, we go for walks, we have tea parties, we talk, and spend time together doing all sorts of other father-daughter activities. She asks me often to take her out and spend time with her because she enjoys it. I enjoy it, but I have another objective. I am teaching her about what a relationship with men ought to look like. I touched on this previously in the first Raising a Real World Superhero article, but it’s important enough that it merits deeper consideration. For starters, it’s scriptural. Proverbs 22:6 offers the best principle for this practice:

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

By teaching my daughter what she ought to look for in a male relationship, she will learn how a man ought to treat her. Spending time modeling relationship is far more effective than simply telling her how a man ought to treat her, because it is training her. The time a father spends with his daughter trains her in the first lessons she will learn about men and what male relationships ought to look like. I want to do the best I can to teach her what loving, attentive, and supportive relationships with a Christlike man ought to look like. I want her to learn that a man ought to cherish her and treat her like a princess, who is a child of God.

In the last 3 years, I have learned, through effort and focus, how to make my daughter feel like the treasure that God sees her as. I am writing to share some of the basic “dates” I go on with my little girl, with the hopes that they will inspire other dads to engage their little girls and teach them how a man of God ought to treat them.

1. Dinner and a day together: 10689867_10152240843956599_4277277737945522172_nWhen Abbey and I go on dates, she gets to pick everything we do. This usually begins with her picking what dinner will be. For some reason, she has decided that Chinese food and eating with sticks is the best thing in the world. A year ago, she loved eating at McDonalds and playing in the play land. I don’t like McDonalds, but I eat where she wants because I want her to know it’s special. We eat and talk. She tells me stories. I ask her questions. She gets my full attention. When given a choice as to what she wants to do after eating out, sometimes she wants to go to the comic book store, or to the book store, or to buy bows at the girl stuff store. She picks and she gets my attention the whole time. Please note that I don’t buy her everything she wants, but she does get my full attention.

IMG_21592. Tea parties: I am not a fan of tea parties, but we do them regularly. Stuffed toys usually attend. There is usually cookies and snacks. We drink tea, eat cookies, pretend, play, and talk. Usually setting up the tea party is as fun for her as having the party. Sometimes I read her stories. Most tea parties last about an hour, and she loves them.

3. Camping: Camping is a bigger production, but is a huge deal to her. She is only 3, so camping isn’t usually as much an outdoor adventure, as it is an opportunity to stay up too late, eat junk food, watch cartoons, look at stars, and sleep in a tent. We sometimes just camp in the yard, while other times we camp in the mountains or parks. It doesn’t matter to her. Camping with dad is an adventure. When her little brother gets older, she won’t get to do this alone anymore. For now, it’s a favorite of hers.


4. Movie Night: This week, my wife had an evening out withmovie night some gals from church. This left me home alone with the kids. We rented a cartoon movie and I let her pick dinner. She decided we would eat popcorn for dinner, drink soda, and eat cookie dough for dessert. We talked about the cartoon, she hid under the blanket at scary parts, and she told me she loved the whole evening.

5. The Park: An afternoon at the park is one of her favorite things to do. I push her on the swings, I talk to her, we chase each other around, and she gets my full attention for the duration of our time there. Sometimes we go for ice cream or get fruit snacks at the grocery store. Sometimes we go for walks. The important thing is spending time.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
10/12/2014
1 Comment
Addiction

Why They Can’t Stop: How Addiction Works

It’s hard to watch a loved one self destruct, to watch them repeatedly engage in behaviors that are clearly destroying them. Addiction is perplexing to watch from the outside because the addict time and again acts in ways that are obviously destructive to everyone else who is watching, but for some reason the addict just won’t stop. It can be particularly difficult to understand why they are unable to overcome the problem behavior because tremendous pain and a sense of betrayal are often inflicted when a loved one doesn’t stop getting drunk or high. That pain makes dealing with the problem even more difficult because it tends to make careful consideration difficult. It’s hard to think through a situation that you just want to be over because it is destroying the family, because, as an addict, they cannot stop on their own power. It seems obvious that the addict just needs to stop, but the situation is seldom as simple as that. One of the first steps to coming to grips with the situation is understanding the mechanism of addiction and why the addict engages in self-destructive behavior.
In the early 20th century, Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov’s famous experiment demonstrated the principle of classical conditioning. He did this by ringing a bell every time he fed a group of dogs. The dogs would salivate in response to the bell as they anticipated their meal. After thoroughly establishing the pattern, Pavlov began to ring the bell without providing food. The dogs salivated anyaddictionway, which demonstrates that their brains learned to associate the ringing of bells with eating even when there was no food present. Human brains have the same tendency. We learn to associate stimuli with certain feelings or having needs met. As the behavior is learned, they develop ingrained patterns, which become become compulsive. Understanding classical conditioning is an important first step to grasping how addiction works in human beings.
A person doesn’t become an addict by simply gambling too much or getting drunk frequently. Addiction takes place when the stimulus response mechanism in the brain gets out of control and begins to dominate the addict’s life. This often happens to people who lack healthy coping skills. Because they don’t have the ability to deal with stressful situations, they turn to escapes as a way of dealing with stress. Perhaps they have an unpleasant home life, which they aren’t prepared to cope with properly. They do not want to feel bad, but don’t know how to feel better through healthy means. Instead, they turn to alcohol, drugs, pornography, or some other means of escaping the situation. As time goes on, their brains begin to connect unpleasant situations with intoxication and feeling better. Every time something bad happens, they “use” (engage in addiction). As the pattern becomes increasingly ingrained, the individual becomes like Pavlov’s dogs. The bell rings (unpleasant situation happens) and the dog salivates (they respond by using in order to feel better). This pattern of stimulus response reaches the point of being compulsive as the addict gets deeper into their addiction. They literally lose control and cannot restrain their behavior. I have spoken to many addicts who genuinely want tcycle.001o quit, but when they get into certain situations their stimulus-response takes over and they become like passengers in their own bodies, watching passively as they act out their learned behavior. This is because the mechanism of addiction happens in the “old brain”, where things like fight or flight take place. This is the portion of the brain that takes over when thought isn’t the best response to a situation, like with fight or flight responses. It has the ability to take over the body and force the person to behave in predetermined ways. This is the same sort of thing that soldiers train to achieve. When combat happens, thinking turns off and the training kicks in. Addicts are similar, except that their training has been unhealthy and is now destructive.
What makes this addictive pattern really problematic is that as the addict avoids dealing with negative experiences, their brains store up all of the garbage they haven’t processed through. Whenever they sober up, the old feelings begin to find their way back to the front of their feelings/thinking. This makes the addict miserable, so they respond like Pavlov’s dog responds to the ringing bell, by getting intoxicated. Addicts that have advanced in their sickness,are often miserable all the time. Withdrawal also perpetuates the situation. When the body becomes dependent on a chemical, detoxification can be unpleasant, which prompts the stimulus-response cycle to kick in. What’s worse is that even if they begin to deal with their pain and get healthy, the portion of the brain that looks for the enjoyment of intoxication begins to manufacture misery in order to get back to intoxication. This happens in the form of inexplicable depression or anxiety, which is often an overreaction to really minor issues.
Another major component of addiction that makes recovery difficult involves thinking. As an addiction becomes ingrained, the addict’s thinking patterns develop mechanisms to protect the addictive behavior. The most prominent of these thinking tendencies is denial. Denial is when an individual cannot see how bad things are getting. An addict in denial can lose major relationships, have trouble with the law, become physically ill, and never blame it on their using. Most often, problems are either blamed on others or minimized so they’re perceived as not a big deal. Otherwise, problems are just ignored or worked around. An individual in denial cannot recognize the seriousness of their situation, because denial is a mental block preventing them from seeing how bad things are. It exists to keep the addict using. There are other thinking patterns that protect the addiction, but denial is by far the most serious and the most difficult to overcome. An addict in denial can have their whole life in flames and not be able to see that it is caused by their using. It is what allows an addict to destroy themselves without seeking help.
Diagnosing addiction requires the presence of three or more of the following criteria:
  • Developing a tolerance, which results in the addict using more or stronger substances in order to get the same effect. For an alcoholic, this is drinking stronger alcohol -or more of it- in order to get drunk. For a porn addict, this is using porn or looking at harder porn in order to achieve the same effect that less would achieve.
  • Withdrawal symptoms are experienced when the drug is not available. Withdrawal can be physical illness, headaches, shaking, sweats, or other physiological changes. It can also be psychological with the addict becoming irritable, depressed, anxious, or restless.
  • Continued use, despite harm that comes from using. Harm can be financial, damaged relationships, health problems, etc. An addict who loses his loved ones, home, and employment will continue to use even though his addiction is destroying his life.
  • Using the drug in larger amounts or for longer periods than they intended. An addict loses control once they start using. They generally have no idea how much or for how long using episodes will last. A pornography addict will set out to look for only a few minutes, only to look up and discover that they have been looking at porn for hours or more.
  • Attempts to control use that have failed. As the behavior gets out of control, an addict may decide that they need to cut back. Attempts may have limited success, but ultimately fail because they are not truly in control of their behavior.
  • Significant time spent thinking about using or seeking the drug takes place when an addict spends huge amounts of time seeking their drug or thinking about nothing else.
  • Reduced involvement in family, work, or social obligations happens because these activities get in the way of using behaviors. They may avoid family because they do not want to be condemned for using or because they do not wish to share. They experience difficulty fulfilling work obligations because they cannot stop their using behavior.
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
10/11/2014
5 Comments
Life Application, Marriage

When Elephants Fight, the Ants Lose: Divorce and Its Effect on Kids

For around three years, I ran a class designed to help children whose parents were going through divorce cope with the emotional strain they were experiencing. During the years I ran those classes, I was frequently struck by the recurring comments made by the young people who participated in the classes. elephantsComments ranged from dismay over the loss of family to frustration over newfound awkwardness in parental relationships to consternation at their parents’ inability to just stop being so cruel to each other. It was seldom the case that a class went without a child breaking down and crying. Interestingly, I never once saw any of the children tease each other over tears shed in that setting. Except in instances of an absent, addicted, or exceptionally abusive parent, I never heard a child say that the divorce was a welcome change.

In contrast, on the occasions that I ran the adult version of the class or interacted with parents before or after the class, I frequently heard parents say things to the effect of: they were ready to move on or anxious to close that chapter in their lives. The prospect of freedom from the unpleasantness of the marriage relationship was a breath of fresh air that would free them up to find someone new. It’s interesting that few parents acknowledged that their new found freedom would not be shared by their child, who would hence forth live in the far more difficult circumstance of trying to navigate their adolescent years with two families, rather than one.

There is an old adage: “When the elephants fight, the ants lose.” For all the unpleasantness spouses experience in disintegrating marriages, children are the ones who are unintentionally stepped on. The most important element in the life of every child is stability. They need it in order to thrive and are usually poorly equipped to deal with the stress of such a major life change. This is why children of divorce are statistically more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol, perform poorly in school, have behavioral difficulties, and be incarcerated. Worse still is that children from divorced homes are far more likely to get divorced themselves.  The biggest loser in divorce is the one member who did not ask to join the family, and is the least equipped to cope with change.

The responsibility in the parenting/married relationship belongs to the parents. This often elicits the response: “So I’m supposed to stay in a miserable relationship forever?” This is a case of asking the wrong question. Parents are not responsible to be tied to a miserable relationship. They are burdened with the responsibility to work together to make certain that the relationship is durable.  This is easy to do while dating because courting is hard work. Couples have to listen, say nice things, buy gifts, go on dates, talk through problems, and try to be romantic/attractive in order to get to the altar in the first place. The trick is that the work doesn’t end there. It goes on for life. This is also the responsibility of married parents. A happy and stable marriage/family takes as much hard work as a career and it is a commitment requiring daily effort that we vow to take on from the moment we say “I do.”

This is not to say that everyone who gets a divorce ruins their children forever or that they will instantly go to hell. Though the Bible presents a pretty negative view on the topic of divorce, there are instances in which provision is made. There are circumstances in which the protection of the child or one of the spouses may be at stake, infidelity, abandonment, and so forth simply force the issue. The larger point here isn’t to attack those who are divorced. Rather, it is to encourage those who are married and raising kids to put in the work to keep their relationship healthy. Divorce hurts children deeply. It is important that parents make every effort to maintain a healthy relationship as a protection against the potential for hurting their children.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
10/10/2014
2 Comments
Church Family, Sermon Related Posts

Faith Like a Broken Record Player

I am an avid record collector. I own a couple of record players, broken record logobut do not have a decent player for my stereo in the living room. Last week I was volunteering at a community rummage sale and I came across an older, but fairly high end turntable. I was giddy as a school kid when I plugged it in and hit the play button. My heart sank when the turntable remained still. I quickly dismantled it and discovered the belt was broken. Further investigation revealed that the motor worked. The record player worked, but the turntable didn’t spin. No matter how well the motor ran, it didn’t matter, because the power didn’t transfer to meaningful motion. This record player sat on my desk all week while I was studying the book of James for last Sunday’s message. I believe that this is why that broken record player came to mind when I read James 2:14-17.
What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but he has no works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,” and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself.
If I believe in God and believe that Jesus died for my sins, but do not live as though it is true, then I am not all that different from the record player sitting on my desk. Part of me is working right, but there is no transmission of that belief into lifestyle. Mere belief isn’t saving faith. James explains that belief is good, but even the demons believe and they do not have faith. Faith is belief that shapes how we live our lives. In the example that James offers, a member of the body of Christ is in need. This is a person that Christ bled and died for. If we see them and our possessions are of greater value to us than our brother in need, then our worldview isn’t adequately shaped by our beliefs. If we aren’t moved to compassion by our family member’s need, then our faith may be little more than belief.
This passage has fueled centuries of debate as to whether or not we must work in order to be saved. The assumption that we need to work to be saved misses the point. We are saved by the grace of God through our faith in Jesus. Faith is more than belief. It is a life commitment. Faith is belief with a working drive belt, that brings the music of God’s kingdom to the world through the actions and words of his people.
Sermon LinkWe are not to look at our own actions and try to guess if we are saved. Rather, we are to look at the world around us through the lens of the teachings and grace of Jesus. It shapes our perception of our possessions, the temporary nature of this life, what is really of value, what our life goals are, and every other part of who we are. We begin to see the world as redeemed possessions of the almighty God and as brothers of Christ. This new view of the world will necessarily change our behavior. Saving faith acts because it is alive. Dead faith is mere intellectual acknowledgment.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
10/09/2014
6 Comments
Life Application, Marital Toolbox

Tool in the Marital Toolbox: Words that Build Up or Break Down

In my shop, there is a large toolbox with a wide variety of tools for various applications. I am well equipped to repair cars, electronics, plumbing, and all manner of other household “honey-do” type jobs. Perhaps the simplest and most versatile of the tools I own is my hammer. To be fair, I have several different hammers, each with its owtoolbox pic 2n specific application. I have a hammer for knocking dents out of metal, one for driving nails, a sledge hammer for demolishing things, even a slide hammer that pulls things outward instead of pushing things forward. Like any weekend warrior mechanic, my hammer also does double and triple duty for all sorts of other tasks that aren’t necessarily hammer specific. In the marital toolbox, there is a similar tool that can be used in a wide variety of ways, both constructive and destructive. That tool is the power of our words. This tool is not dissimilar to the hammer in that it is frequently the most powerful tool we employ. The book of Proverbs speaks of the tongue as possessing the power of life and death. James speaks of the tongue as a spark with the power to set the world on fire. I am certain that most married couples can recall instances when a few poorly chosen words set their world on fire with arguments that went on for days. The key to using a hammer properly is using at the right time and in the right way.

  • Words of Affirmation: Perhaps one of the most powerful ways we can use our words to positively impact our marriage is through affirmation. Compliments, expressions of thanks, “I love you,” questions about our partner’s day that show genuine interest, and all manner of other affirmations can build good will and encourage a more positive relationship environment.
  • Knocking Down Conflicts: Conflicts are often a result of poor communication. Misunderstandings often lead to hurt feelings, which lead to resentments. Talking out issues in a calm and loving manner can dismantle this sort of destructive trend in relationships.
  • Apology: Conflict can harden our hearts and lead to ongoing issues in a relationship. This is particularly the case when reconciliation doesn’t take place after fights. Apologizing and taking responsibility for words and actions can soften a hardening heart.
  • Reminders: It’s easy to reach a point, when arguing, that both spouses take a me-against-you stance. Over the years, one or both partners become entrenched and constantly assume an adversarial attitude. Strategically reminding your spouse that you are on the same team is vital.
  • Tone: In the same way a hammer can be used to tap or pound, our tone of voice alters the message that our words convey. This is particularly important to note while arguing. Anger raises our voices, shouting leads to chemical/emotional responses in our partner, which escalates the situation. Learning to control our volume and tone is key to using our words properly.

Untitled 2These are just a few of the ways the well chosen words can positively shape a marriage. The real challenge is in learning to control our words. This is far from easy. In reality, poorly chosen words can act as a hammer in their ability to inflict damage on a relationship. Angry words, cutting remarks, and forcing your way through aggressive arguing can destroy a relationship in the same manner a sledge hammer is used to demolish. Perhaps the book of James puts it best when it directs us to put a bridle on our tongues. Bridles are used to restrain and direct horses. The same is true of our words. They are powerful and need to be restrained. However, their power can be directed to great effect.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
10/08/2014
3 Comments
Life Application

Growing a Healthy Family by Eating Together

After the birth of my first child, my wife and I decided that it was time to move to a new setting where work was less hectic. My previous employment frequently had me working 6 days a week and late hours. This meant that I often only saw my new daughter once a week or for a goodnight kiss right before lights out. In this vein, one of the best parts of being a small town pastor has been the opportunity to eat daily meals with my wife and child at the dining room table. This was simply not possible in our previous setting. I savor the experience not just because it involves spending time with my wife and daughter, but also because its benefits stretch far into the future. Numerous studies have demonstrated that children who eat meals at the dinner table with their parents 5 times a week are five times less likely to use illegal drugs or alcohol. They also have larger vocabularies, do better in school, and have fewer behavior problems. The regular family meal isn’t a magic trick caused by emulating Norman Rockwell paintings. Instead, it is a product of sitting and talking to each other. It’s a logical outcome of a behavior pattern.

In addition, it is a pattern demonstrated in scripture when discussing the1175080_10151533904801599_1464805914_n manner in which the family of God operates. In Acts, we see the early church gathering for meals daily, largely because eating together as a family is a somewhat intimate activity. We also see Jesus teaching important lessons and engaging in fellowship at meals with groups of people. His final meeting with his disciples before the crucifixion took place over dinner. His first extended meeting with them after the resurrection happened over breakfast. The Lord’s Supper is a modified ceremony from the Jewish faith, the passover meal. The passover was only one of many meal-centered religious observances the Jewish people engaged in. Holidays, sacrifices, and all sorts of other activities were surrounded by meals. This is not because of a supernatural spiritual quality associated with eating. Rather, it is because eating together is a basic act of community. Community behaviors encourage close relationships and interpersonal openness.

During my 12 years of working with adolescents professionally, I have heard countless parents lament that they do not know how to talk to their teenagers or that their teenagers don’t tell them anything. This is because teenagers go through stages of rebellion and fighting for independence that put a crimp in natural communication with parents. The way to improve your odds of not having this happen in your family is long-term effort toward building bridges of communication. Those bridges become a pattern of communication that tends to endure the storm of adolescent angst. The dinner table is an obvious time for this, but it is certainly not the only one. Father-daughter date nights, father-son fishing trips, family game nights, and any other opportunities to sit and talk will do the trick. Creating the opportunity for family interaction on a daily basis is the beginning of effort toward ensuring good communication with your children.

The second major component is teaching them to express themselves. It’s hard to grasp that children are not born expressing Norman-Rockwell-Thanksgiving-thanksgiving-2927689-375-479their thoughts and feelings. However, the reality is that self-expression is a skill that develops over time. Parents can encourage development of these skills by modeling them and asking questions. Children learn communication patterns largely from their parents. They emulate what they see. If you talk and share with them, they will learn to talk and share with you. This will pay dividends during the frustrated and angst-filled teenage years when they really need to talk things through. Asking children questions encourages them to share their thoughts and experiences. It teaches them to share thoughts/feelings that they will not instinctively share. In addition, it demonstrates interest in the life of your child. They will notice that interest and they will thrive on it. Nothing is more important to children than their parents. When parents demonstrate interest in their children, it means the world to them. This will also pay in the long run when that cute child is a fuming teenager and you’re trying to get them to talk it out or hoping that they will come to you with serious problems and major decisions.

This topic is important to consider because the family meal is becoming an endangered species. Families are exceedingly busy. Sports, extracurricular activities, and long work days have made arranging a family meal difficult. This means that in order to make it happen, it must be a priority. It is also necessary to practice the behavior from an early age. A recurring pattern can quickly become a tradition that is dear to family.

I wrote this article for publication in our local newspaper 2 years ago. It has been edited and partially rewritten for this blog posting. It originally appeared in the Big Sandy Mountaineer 8/1/12.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
10/03/2014
2 Comments
Life Application

Tools in the Marital Toolbox: Grace and Selflessness

4 years ago, my car broke down in the middle-of-nowhere Wyoming, stranding my 5-month pregnant wife and me at a hotel in a tiny town. After a 5-mile round trip walk to purchase a crank position sensor from the nearest auto parts store, I set out to repair my broken down Honda Civic in the hotel parking lot. Unfortunately, the repair reqoverly-manly-man-power-toolsuired that I take the front of the engine off to replace the sensor. After digging through my glove compartment,  I found a wrench and a screwdriver. I began working with my meager collection of tools by removing every screw and bolt that matched the phillips head screwdriver and 13 mm wrench. Unfortunately, I had reached an impasse. I walked to a nearby K-Mart and purchased a socket wrench and a couple of sockets. With my new socket wrench in hand, I removed every bolt that matched my new sockets, until I encountered a small bolt that I did not have a socket to fit. Another trip to K-Mart had me working again, until I came across a bolt that required a box end wrench. Another trip and another tool purchase. This continued for the better part of a day, until I had completed the repairs. By the fourth or fifth visit to the store the cashiers started teasing me. Eventually, it became evident that my effort to avoid purchasing an entire set of tools had cost me a great deal of time. The whole process would have been much easier had I possessed all of the tools I needed at the outset of the project. The same is true of many married couples, who start their lives together without adequate relationship tools. When trouble arises and breakdowns occur, they simply do not have the relationship tools and skills they need to fix the issue.  Unresolved issues, if they become plentiful enough, can lead to larger and larger problems. Ultimately, too many problems can lead to communication breakdowns, resentments, and divorce.

To endure the tough red greentimes, every spouse must be equipped with the tools necessary to fix the problems that emerge in the relationship. There are all manner of these tools: effective communication skills, healthy arguing, and mutual submission to name a few. Perhaps the most important tools in the marital toolbox are “grace” and “selflessness.” Grace refers to forgiving without reservation. The Bible uses the term to refer to God forgiving people without them having to earn it. It is an act of love. Just think over the history of arguing with your spouse and reflect on how often “old arguments” have come up and extended the conflict. Or consider the times when resentment over some slight has lingered in the relationship. As time passes and these resentments accumulate, a marriage will naturally drift apart. The cure for this is simple: grace. There is an old saying about marriage: “Before you wed, look as critically at the imperfections as possible. After, do your best to ignore them.” Or better yet, do your best to forgive them, even if they don’t deserve it. Many a married man (or woman) will read the previous paragraph and find themselves saying: “Easier said than done! You don’t know my husband (or wife)!”  Ultimately, forgiveness requires that the second tool comes into play. Selflessness is the primary attribute of love. One of the most popular Bible verses read at weddings is 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient. Love is kind… it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…” For all of the qualities given in the chapter, there is the shared condition of selflessness. Real love cannot be about “me.” Real love focuses on the partner in the relationship. This is love that is more than just a warm feeling that fades after the honeymoon ends. It is a life direction that endures even when the marriage is just plain tough. Forgiveness is far easier when I don’t need to win every fight or get my revenge for hurt feelings. Grace is only possible when it arises from selflessness. While these two concepts may seem to be simple enough, they require commitment and hard work. The Bible goes so far as to suggest that we can only accomplish them with God’s help. At a minimum, learning to selflessly consider your partner’s needs and forgive their failings involves repeatedly committing to do so. It is hard enough that the only reason to take on the task is out of love.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
09/30/2014
3 Comments
Life Application

Marriage and the Art of Automobile Maintenance

Many years ago, when I was in college, I bought my first adult car for $500. As the old saying goes: A $500 car doesn’t go far. This proved true as it generally didn’t get far between breakdowns. Being a poor college kid, I was forced to learn the gentle art of automobile repair and maintenance. Surprisingly, I found that I really enjoyed fixing things. I love diagnosing a problem and replacing parts. However, over the years I have also discoveredabbey mechanic that I hate doing maintenance work. I will happily replace a water pump, but cringe at the thought of changing oil or doing a tuneup. It’s just easier to not do maintenance. The problem, of course, is that not doing maintenance results in frequent breakdowns, poor fuel economy, and shorter lifespan for the vehicle in general. The same is often true of many men. Solving a problem is more interesting to them than working to maintain things. Unfortunately, this tendency often translates into married life.

Before proceeding further, I’m going to acknowledge that this is a very guy-oriented illustration for understanding marriage, but this is intentional because this post is aimed at men. For many men, dating and courtship go hand in hand and ultimately deliver them to the altar with their new wife. This is a problem to be worked on, a goal to be achieved, or an objective to be reached. Unfortunately, this can represent the end of courtship. The job is completed and now its time to put the tools away. It is not unusual for men to take on new projects after marriage, like career advancement. Its not that he no longer loves or desires his wife. Instead, it is easy to see her as “won.” The relational tools that served him so well when trying to win a wife become increasingly less used. Romance, long conversations, and thoughtful gifts grow increasingly less frequent and sometimes cease altogether. As the years pass by, date nights and gifts of flowers are all too often replaced with nights on the couch watching television and gifts of vacuum cleaners or other practicalities. The trend often accelerates with the arrival of children, which gives both parents a new object of focus that demands their relational energy. The movement away from the courting stage often results in married couples that lack connection and eventually become glorified roommates. In addition, as the “pursuit” phase of the relationship fades, it becomes easier for men to fight without making up; after all, the spouse’s affections have already been won so there is no point in winning them again. There is no job to be done. The relationship still basically works. Why bother fixing it?

The problem with this is that it generally results in unhappiness in the marriage and frequently leads to divorce.  Though the solution sounds simple, it is easy for men to take it for granted. Men must learn to take on their end of the responsibility for regular maintenance of the relationship in the form of courting behaviors. Going on dates, buying romantic gifts, just talking for the sake of talking, and maintaining interests apart from child-rearing are a few suggestions, but anything that results in building up the relationship will do. This is sort of like changing the relationship spark plugs and air filter. It’s not challenging, but it needs to be done, particularly when kids enter the picture. Several years ago, my wife and I realized after our daughter’s first birthday that we had only gone out alone together twice in the previous year. Courtship and routine relationship work had fallen to the wayside. If it had been allowed to stay there, our relationship would eventually stall and leave us stranded with a bigger set of repairs to do. When couples find themselves in this predicament, they often simply opt to sell and find a newer model.

To be fair, this maintenance work is not the responsibility of only one partner. Both spouses ought to look for ways to entice and woo their mate. It is important that this task be taken on with the understanding that open communication about intentions is vital and that your spouse may not respond in the way you want them to. However, if your partner doesn’t simply conform to your relational preferences, it is necessary to recognize that courting is done in order to help build the relationship, not for your immediate gratification. Love is selfless, which means focusing on the other’s needs. Often, effort and time are needed before damage done through ongoing patterns of neglect are repaired. Sometimes, it is necessary for time to go by before courting patterns change the situation. It is also necessary to understand that patterns that develop in relationships over the course of years will not be undone in a matter of days. It may take time and regular intentional maintenance work before things run smoothly, but the payoff is worth it.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
09/28/2014
Leave a comment
Life Application

Learning About God from a Cranky Baby at 2 AM

It’s 2 AM and I am sitting up with a sick baby. I would much rather be sleeping, but my poor 15-month old has a cold and was fussing. So, I hopped out of bed, fed him, gave him medicine, and am now holding my son until he dozes off. I would rather be sleeping, but I find myself subject to a higher law. I love my boy more than Isick titus love sleep. Perhaps the biggest blessing I have experienced as a parent is the opportunity to see another human being in a similar light to how God sees humanity. As I sit with my cranky child, the verse that keeps running through my head is from Psalm 8.

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, And You crown him with glory and majesty!

Psalm 8:3–5

It’s important to understand that humanity is like one huge collection of sick and cranky children. We are infected with an inclination to rebel against out Creator. At the core of our beings, we are sick, broken, and often hurting as a result. God loves us so immensely that He sent His only begotten Son to take our punishment for us on the cross. We are forgiven because He suffered our deserved punishment. Through this forgiveness, we are adopted as sons of God. Even after being forgiven God, still brings us through the slow process of spiritual healing, though we often fight Him every step of the way. God does this out of the boundless and perfect love of an eternal Father toward his creation. The parental love we witness and experience is a shadow of His perfect love. It is a blessing to experience and understand the Father’s perspective, even if it’s only a pale shadow.

I would suggest that this is a perspective that all creatures are capable of understanding at least in part. All people have parents. Through our relationships with them, we experience the same shadow of His love for us. Even if we do not have a good relationship with our parents, we experience a deep need and yearning for parental affection. This need is built in, and through, our thirst we can understand the magnitude of God’s love for us.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →