Years ago, I was replacing the clutch on my car. After removing the old clutch, I went to a high end transmission shop, where the guy at the counter explained that though they had the part, they did not have the alignment tool that normally 
comes with it. I had never replaced a clutch and had no idea how important the tool was, so I said “no problem” and was on my way. I discovered that it actually was a problem when I attempted to put the engine back into the car with the misaligned clutch. The engine simply would not fit the transmission. I tried several improvised fixes, but had no success. Finally, I pulled off the clutch and went back to the shop, where a different guy was now at the counter. He looked at the clutch and stated firmly that they didn’t sell the alignment tools separately and that the part was not returnable because I had attempted installation. After some arguing and effort, I realized I wasn’t going to make any progress. I then turned to the internet and discover that no one was selling my alignment tool. Finally, after days of working on the problem, I took the engine to the dealer and paid an hour’s worth of labor to a technician, who spent 3 minutes aligning my part. The little plastic alignment tool, that seemed so unimportant at the time, was vital to properly installing my clutch. Without the tool, the engine, which produces power, simply couldn’t connect to the transmission, which transfers power to the tires.
There is a similar problem in many marriages. Both members of the partnership have specific ideas as to how things ought to be, 
but struggle with making the ideal version in their head transfer into relationship reality. They want to communicate without arguing, agree on financial decisions, experience perfect harmony in their physical relationship, and find that spark of excitement that was present when they first started dating. The problem arises when the idea as to how marriage ought to be fails to translate into forward and harmonious movement in the relationship. This misalignment is a product of the fallen nature, which inclines us toward self-centeredness. If you take a look at Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, you will find the antithesis of the sinful inclination of man. It’s natural for people to struggle with making their behavior match their convictions. Paul describes this struggle in Romans 7,
I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
Our sinful flesh inclines us away from right and toward sin. It’s no coincidence that Paul talks about a perfect version of love in the context of spiritual gifts, because the love he describes is impossible for us to live out. It is a product of the Holy Spirit’s intervention.
One tool in the marital toolbox is similar to the one I was missing when the time arose for me to align my clutch. The great heart alignment tool available to believers is the intervention of the Spirit, aiding us toward Christlike action. As we submit our lives to Christ and learn to obey His teachings, the Holy Spirit produces new attitudes and behavior in our lives. If we simply try to obey a set of standards, apart from new life in Christ, we will find ourselves mired in legalism, which is ultimately impossible to maintain for the long haul. Ultimately, this will produce the same sort of results that my improvised alignment tools produced. The tool that was designed to fit my car is the only one that could successfully line up my engine and transmission.
The misalignment of heart and actions in the marital context is best illustrated by the responses of husbands to Paul’s teaching in Philippians 5:25-27
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
When reading this passage with men, I find that they often get hung up on talk of wives obeying, which is addressed in the preceding verse. They complain that their wife doesn’t obey them, and they harbor resentment because of it. This is a product of a misalignment of heart with the heart of Christ, specifically because they aren’t looking at the passages that apply to them. They are only looking at what they are owed. Husbands bear the responsibility of loving their wives as
Christ loved the church. This literally means that husbands should be willing to give everything for their wives and take on the role of servant. He ought to lead his family spiritually, not only in words, but also in action. The job of a husband is to align their attitude and behavior with that of Jesus. When she offends him, he forgives. He is patient, selfless, kind, and forgiving. When things are not as they ought to be, he guides through love and sacrifice. We do not see Christ demanding that He be served. The tool that helps us to align our hearts with his, and then our actions with our heart is the Holy Spirit. Prayer, confession, accountability, devotion to the Word, and obedience is our side of the equation. The Spirit convicts and changes us as we strive toward holiness. Without the Spirit, we simply cannot manage this on our own.
Comments ranged from dismay over the loss of family to frustration over newfound awkwardness in parental relationships to consternation at their parents’ inability to just stop being so cruel to each other. It was seldom the case that a class went without a child breaking down and crying. Interestingly, I never once saw any of the children tease each other over tears shed in that setting. Except in instances of an absent, addicted, or exceptionally abusive parent, I never heard a child say that the divorce was a welcome change.
n specific application. I have a hammer for knocking dents out of metal, one for driving nails, a sledge hammer for demolishing things, even a slide hammer that pulls things outward instead of pushing things forward. Like any weekend warrior mechanic, my hammer also does double and triple duty for all sorts of other tasks that aren’t necessarily hammer specific. In the marital toolbox, there is a similar tool that can be used in a wide variety of ways, both constructive and destructive. That tool is the power of our words. This tool is not dissimilar to the hammer in that it is frequently the most powerful tool we employ. The book of Proverbs speaks of the tongue as possessing the power of life and death. James speaks of the tongue as a spark with the power to set the world on fire. I am certain that most married couples can recall instances when a few poorly chosen words set their world on fire with arguments that went on for days. The key to using a hammer properly is using at the right time and in the right way.
manner in which the family of God operates. In Acts, we see the early church gathering for meals daily, largely because eating together as a family is a somewhat intimate activity. We also see Jesus teaching important lessons and engaging in fellowship at meals with groups of people. His final meeting with his disciples before the crucifixion took place over dinner. His first extended meeting with them after the resurrection happened over breakfast. The Lord’s Supper is a modified ceremony from the Jewish faith, the passover meal. The passover was only one of many meal-centered religious observances the Jewish people engaged in. Holidays, sacrifices, and all sorts of other activities were surrounded by meals. This is not because of a supernatural spiritual quality associated with eating. Rather, it is because eating together is a basic act of community. Community behaviors encourage close relationships and interpersonal openness.
their thoughts and feelings. However, the reality is that self-expression is a skill that develops over time. Parents can encourage development of these skills by modeling them and asking questions. Children learn communication patterns largely from their parents. They emulate what they see. If you talk and share with them, they will learn to talk and share with you. This will pay dividends during the frustrated and angst-filled teenage years when they really need to talk things through. Asking children questions encourages them to share their thoughts and experiences. It teaches them to share thoughts/feelings that they will not instinctively share. In addition, it demonstrates interest in the life of your child. They will notice that interest and they will thrive on it. Nothing is more important to children than their parents. When parents demonstrate interest in their children, it means the world to them. This will also pay in the long run when that cute child is a fuming teenager and you’re trying to get them to talk it out or hoping that they will come to you with serious problems and major decisions.
his is just one of several mantras she recites when facing difficult situations. Another one that is fairly common is: “Daddy will keep me safe.” I typically hear this comment when she has bad dreams or is afraid of the dark. She believes, with a kind of faith that children are amazingly capable of, that her dad can do anything. This is not unusual. Most children grow to believe that their dads are a sort of superhero. As they grow older and wiser, they come to recognize that dad isn’t a sort of superman, but for now we are both enjoying this phase of her relational development. She feels comfort at the reassurance that I can take care of her. I love having my child look at me as a hero of sorts, and hope to live up to that perception as much as possible. Even more so, I hope to raise kids who my grandkids can look at with awe as children. Raising children who can be superheroes to their own children is a product of intentional effort and an awareness of a basic reality regarding God’s design for the family.
while the second deals with interacting with men. The first law in each table is important and offers a glimpse into God’s design for the world. The first law is: Do not have any other gods. Basically, the command is to honor God. The first law in the second table is somewhat similar: Honor your mother and father. The two laws strongly parallel in concept because parents have a special role in the lives of their children. Specifically, parents stand in the place of God in the lives of their children for the first several years until children reach the point of being able to understand God. Perhaps the English novelist, William Thackeray, put it best when he wrote: “Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of little children.” Parents shoulder an enormous responsibility by standing in the position they stand in, because they stand as representatives of God. This is a bit of a double-edged sword. A strong, loving parent can provide their child with an amazing first impression of God’s identity. The downside is that an absent, abusive, or deeply flawed parent can give children an inaccurate perspective on who God is. This is most easily seen with abusive or absent fathers, whose children often grow up with a sense of God being distant or perpetually angry and out to get them. Mind you, this is not a hard and fast rule for all people. Rather, it is an observable trend.
uired that I take the front of the engine off to replace the sensor. After digging through my glove compartment, I found a wrench and a screwdriver. I began working with my meager collection of tools by removing every screw and bolt that matched the phillips head screwdriver and 13 mm wrench. Unfortunately, I had reached an impasse. I walked to a nearby K-Mart and purchased a socket wrench and a couple of sockets. With my new socket wrench in hand, I removed every bolt that matched my new sockets, until I encountered a small bolt that I did not have a socket to fit. Another trip to K-Mart had me working again, until I came across a bolt that required a box end wrench. Another trip and another tool purchase. This continued for the better part of a day, until I had completed the repairs. By the fourth or fifth visit to the store the cashiers started teasing me. Eventually, it became evident that my effort to avoid purchasing an entire set of tools had cost me a great deal of time. The whole process would have been much easier had I possessed all of the tools I needed at the outset of the project. The same is true of many married couples, who start their lives together without adequate relationship tools. When trouble arises and breakdowns occur, they simply do not have the relationship tools and skills they need to fix the issue. Unresolved issues, if they become plentiful enough, can lead to larger and larger problems. Ultimately, too many problems can lead to communication breakdowns, resentments, and divorce.
times, every spouse must be equipped with the tools necessary to fix the problems that emerge in the relationship. There are all manner of these tools: effective communication skills, healthy arguing, and mutual submission to name a few. Perhaps the most important tools in the marital toolbox are “grace” and “selflessness.” Grace refers to forgiving without reservation. The Bible uses the term to refer to God forgiving people without them having to earn it. It is an act of love. Just think over the history of arguing with your spouse and reflect on how often “old arguments” have come up and extended the conflict. Or consider the times when resentment over some slight has lingered in the relationship. As time passes and these resentments accumulate, a marriage will naturally drift apart. The cure for this is simple: grace. There is an old saying about marriage: “Before you wed, look as critically at the imperfections as possible. After, do your best to ignore them.” Or better yet, do your best to forgive them, even if they don’t deserve it. Many a married man (or woman) will read the previous paragraph and find themselves saying: “Easier said than done! You don’t know my husband (or wife)!” Ultimately, forgiveness requires that the second tool comes into play. Selflessness is the primary attribute of love. One of the most popular Bible verses read at weddings is 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient. Love is kind… it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…” For all of the qualities given in the chapter, there is the shared condition of selflessness. Real love cannot be about “me.” Real love focuses on the partner in the relationship. This is love that is more than just a warm feeling that fades after the honeymoon ends. It is a life direction that endures even when the marriage is just plain tough. Forgiveness is far easier when I don’t need to win every fight or get my revenge for hurt feelings. Grace is only possible when it arises from selflessness. While these two concepts may seem to be simple enough, they require commitment and hard work. The Bible goes so far as to suggest that we can only accomplish them with God’s help. At a minimum, learning to selflessly consider your partner’s needs and forgive their failings involves repeatedly committing to do so. It is hard enough that the only reason to take on the task is out of love.
that I hate doing maintenance work. I will happily replace a water pump, but cringe at the thought of changing oil or doing a tuneup. It’s just easier to not do maintenance. The problem, of course, is that not doing maintenance results in frequent breakdowns, poor fuel economy, and shorter lifespan for the vehicle in general. The same is often true of many men. Solving a problem is more interesting to them than working to maintain things. Unfortunately, this tendency often translates into married life.
love sleep. Perhaps the biggest blessing I have experienced as a parent is the opportunity to see another human being in a similar light to how God sees humanity. As I sit with my cranky child, the verse that keeps running through my head is from Psalm 8.
Patching Cracks 