Fellowship Like a Punch in the Face

My first ministry job was as a youth pastor. When I started, the church had over 200 members and was growing. 9 years and 5 church fights later, we left a congregation of 20, swearing that we would never work in a church again. During my tenure, I had seen folks act poorly, gossip, mistreat each other (and me), and all manner of other unpleasantness. When I left the church, I took a job as a chaplain at a mental health facility for children with emotional disorders. It was volatile, frequently violent, and a breath of fresh air. I used to joke that evechurch fightn though the kids sometimes tried to punch you, at least they were attacking you out in the open and to your face. It took my wife and I years to decide to agree to take on ministry employment in a church again. There is a terrible truth about churches that has to be faced by anyone who is (or was) ever a part of one. The people who are meant to become like Jesus through their lives together in the church community, often bear little resemblance to Jesus or what He taught. Over the years, I have spoken with and visited with all sorts of folks who have shared tough stories, ones that I can relate to all too well. Folks were burned by people that were supposed to love and support them. It’s a tragedy that such experiences are so common. While talking with a friend earlier this afternoon, I realized how blessed I was to have been surrounded and supported by some awesome believers who helped my wife and I find rest and healing after a tumultuous time in our lives and relationship with God. The basic lessons and realizations we came to were powerful and important.

One of the major lessoverly_manly_manons I learned was from the Apostle Paul. While studying the second letter to Corinth, I realized that Paul had come to visit the church there and been humiliated and run out of town. A group of preachers, who were more concerned with making money than preaching the gospel, had made a fool of Paul in a debate. Paul then sent Titus to salvage his relationship with the church. He was eventually reconciled with them and the false teachers run off. The thing that’s worth observing here is that Paul was stabbed in the back, mocked, and mistreated by folks who were supposed to be his brothers in Christ. His response was stern, but loving. He did not back down off of the truth, but throughout the whole ordeal he pointed to Jesus as the truth. He did not want payback. He wanted the church to be reconciled. Ultimately, he was just following the example of Christ, who reinstated Peter after he denied even knowing Christ. The lesson to be learned here isn’t that we should jump back into the mess after walking away from those who abused us. Rather, it is a model of forgiveness and grace. It is very easy to fall into bitterness after we are hurt. It is easy to attack and judge. In the end, we need to forgive in order to heal. Nothing keeps a wound fresh more effectively than picking at it forever. I do not believe that Paul simply forget when individuals proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Rather, I’d suggest that he acted “as wise as a serpent and as innocent as a dove.” Love and grace need to rule our attitude and decisions, particularly when dealing with fellow believers. 

Another vital lesson I learned was that not every Christian is the same. In fact, not every member of any denomination, sect, or movement is the same. While one church handled us roughly, the next church we attended was supportive and loving. We watched our senior pastor being mistreated in one setting, but have experienced significant appreciation and support in our current ministry situation. It is easy to resort to this: all Christians are the same. Or to insert any of the following groups into that sentence: all pastors, all Presbyterians, all Baptists, all men, all elders, all Calvinists, etc. The truth is that it’s just not true. The people that brought hurt into your life are not the same people as all the other members of the larger group. It is easy to blame everyone for the actions of a few, and it can be quite comforting. It’s comforting to have someone to aim your anger at. It’s easy to transfer hurt feelings to everyone. However, as comforting as it is, aiming hurt at others doesn’t produce healing. It is a false comfort, like drinking salt water to quench your thirst. You can drink as much as you like, it’ll only make you thirstier. 

A final lesson I learned in the process of overcoming the hurt that I experienced was regarding the importance of moving on. For my wife and I, it was easy to get mired in remembering some of the particularly ugly behaviors we encountered. I personally spent a lot of time living in response to various actions and things that had been said to me. It’s easy to get stuck. I have met people who walked away from church for life over the actions of a few individuals. I have met those who abandoned their faith in response to un-Christlike Christians. I have met all sorts of people who have let the root of bitterness take hold in their souls and simply live to attack, bite, fight, and hurt because they have hurt that they cannot help but share. Getting stuck in a response to hurt inflicted upon you is simply allowing the people who hurt you to control your life. Whether it’s spending forever ignoring God or trying to take a pound of flesh from someone, anyone. Overcoming this sort of thing once it is entrenched in your life begins with a conscious effort to choose a different response to our past. This isn’t easy, but it is necessary in order to find healing and become whole again.

James’ epistle features a terrific line: 

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

James 1:19-20

As we evaluate our response to past ill treatment, it is important that we ask ourselves regularly if the anger we are carrying is bringing God glory. Are we loving the lost and our brothers in Christ? Are we acting in a way that draws others closer to Christ? Is our anger a product of resentment and bitterness? Do we love the least lovable people we encounter? If we find ourselves answering any of these questions in a way that indicates we are not glorifying God, even in the most painful parts of our lives, then we must heal and overcome. James offers an interesting bit of advice for accomplishing this. He calls us to pray for wisdom, which is applied knowledge. This is a difficult act of submission, but is necessary for spiritual growth to take place in the lives of those who have been broken by the careless acts of misguided believers. 

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10 thoughts on “Fellowship Like a Punch in the Face

  1. Amy Sibra says:

    Excellent and timely.
    Thank you

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  2. patchingcracks says:

    Thank you for!

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  3. jp church says:

    Thanks for sharing this post; I’m glad you’re putting these thoughts out there. Really important and essential stuff for any church member to think about.
    Blessings to you!

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    • patchingcracks says:

      Thanks for commenting. I agree. It’s a huge deal, considering how many folks walk away from the fellowship after fights.

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  4. cal5711 says:

    Hi, just read your’ fellowship-like-a-punch-the face’. Strong, honest words which have been shaped by experience.. Thankfully you have emerged stronger in faith and true Christian living..We can all learn from that. Great!

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    • patchingcracks says:

      Thanks for commenting! I am really troubled when I see how many folks have been burned by churches where fighting takes place. Its a sad thing. I wrote this hoping it would speak to folks who are in that spot. God bless!

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  5. It is important to focus on God in Christ Jesus through Holy Spirit to watch and pray consistently especially during times like these. Individua prayer and intercession are crucial and praying for leaders, peace in congregations. Jesus said in the last days offence will abound to vex and distract vision of Spirit of unity and love. Take authority in Jesus Name over author of confusion as all Power in heaven and earth and Power over all enemies’ power is given to church.

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    • patchingcracks says:

      I totally agree with you on this. Prayer and intercession are huge components of healthy fellowships. I believe that folks who pray for each other will tend to operate more in harmony with the Holy Spirit’s guidance in their interactions. Further, with so many churches under attack and divided, protection from above is vital. Thanks for the great comment! Awesome stuff.

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  6. trotter387 says:

    An interesting point, our ministry does provoke extreme reactions when we are honest and forthright.

    The Apostle Paul though is never reconciled to false teachers in the congregation, he recommends action against such ones, shunning and marking.

    Jesus tells us clearly when two or three meet in his name the spirit is there and he warns of false teachers, their treachery so there is much to be concerned over. Your pointing to James is interesting because he not only opens with the points of listening he challenges every Christian to behave in a manner worthy of Christ – confessing our sins and repenting.

    Thank you excellent food for thought.

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    • patchingcracks says:

      Thanks for commenting! It’s unfortunate that few church conflicts aren’t over teaching matters. Most of them fall into the James 3:13-18 worldly wisdom selfishness. I agree with your comment though. Churches need to be on guard against those peddling false gospel and need to be prepared to respond scripturally.

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